Willingness to change...

...is a strength, even if it means plunging into total confusion for awhile," a quote I once read, and posted on My Quotes. I do a lot of quoting in my posts from songs, quotes, books, and scripture that I think explain, in better words than my own, what I am feeling, contemplating and learning in my life. My own words, I think, might lead to total confusion, because I am still a "work in progress." It just seems best if I don't say anything sometimes.

Living in Faith. Learning, maturing, then failing, then humility, grace and dependence on God. I will have struggles every day and weaknesses that God will not take away, to keep me dependent on Him. I will never have it "all together" or I'm just fooling myself, my loved ones and God. "Trusting God and others with who we really are" (from a book I am currently reading, TrueFaced), and accepting ourselves and others including all our failures and weaknesses might seem crazy but it is refreshing. God can use me even when I am weak, because He is strong, and when I fail, He succeeds. That is enough for me to live, some days in total confusion...

a typical night at our home: the kids painted themselves, and me, as wild animals, then went in the backyard and acted like wild animals! :)

Thunder and Lightning

Dominick and Brianna played spring soccer. Dominick played on a u-9 boy's team, coached by his best friend's parents. They named themselves Team Lightning! Brianna's micro team named themselves Team Thunder! This made me smile. It was nice to have something in this season of life to make me smile and to get outside, enjoy the fresh spring air and play soccer with the kids! 

Isaac's 3rd Birthday

Isaac was a surprise, but special, birth. I was a few months away from not being able to have more children, then the dollar store prego test proved to work, despite the cheap price. The ultrasound showed it was a girl (we've seen the difference between Dom and Bri's ultrasounds and we all agreed with the tech, who had been measuring and looking at the fetus for 30 min, when she announced it was girl) I was pleased to be expecting another girl, a sister for Bri, a sweet Abi...but Abigail was never born. I was induced 5 days before Tyler's soccer daily doubles began so he could help me before he was "gone" working and coaching soccer for the next 3 months. It was a longer day than I expected. It started at 7am, but did not end until after 9pm. It was the most painful delivery, and when the midwife said "you're not going to believe this", and I saw...I went into shock.
Tyler took on the duty of deciding on a name. Trey, meaning 3rd, was our boy name before we found out we were having a girl, but nothing sounded good to me, except Abigail. Finally about 1am, he said "Isaac, it means God is laughing." I brightened up at the name, and I thought it fit perfectly. God doesn't always answer prayers, He gives us trials, but He never does it out of anger, He does it out of love and joy for His children. I decided then I would laugh with God, not sulk, for the child He gave me to raise. Besides, God knows what is best for us, and like everyone told me that night, "someday you'll say your family just wouldn't be the same without this little boy"

The fact we had a little boy instead of a girl hasn't stopped us from having fun dressing him up as a girl! And so far, he enjoys it...great blackmail pictures when he's older! :)Big brother and sister love their little brother!And so do his other big sister and brothers that have lived with us...He was my biggest baby and still the biggest in comparison...he loves to eat!All our kids grew up around soccer, but he has loved soccer more than his siblings, as well as all sports, since he could roll a ball to me. Probably because he tries to keep up with them, play with them, he is the natural athlete. And a natural entertainer, he loves to make everyone laugh, living up to his name!He's 3 now, but grew up so fast, he acts like he's older. Already a charmer to the girls, a pro at video games and wii, a boxer that can give you a black eye (yep, I wasn't quick enough to block), and good at all sports. But he's best at making messes, getting into everything, causing me headaches, a non-stop tornado, so I nicknamed him the Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil. "I tried to be good, but I got bored" a perfect shirt for him!guess who he got it from?! That's me, making a mess with noxema, in the bottom left:my favorite time of the day is when he is sleeping peacefully, and i get a few hours of peace. Despite his more than active energy, breaking things, humiliating me every time we go to a store, our family would not be the same without him! Isaac Trey you make us laugh, love and live more than we ever have before you came into our lives...love you!

Victim Mentality

It's ironic when someone accuses me of having a victim mentality and THEY are clearly the reason I am struggling with feelings of loneliness, helplessness, doubt, anger and fear. haha. That's an ironic statement, if you didn't get it.

But seriously, in all my relationships, I am emotionally stable. I love and feel loved in return. I don't depend on others for help or give someone power over my feelings or circumstances. Except for that one time, when I was married for 19 years, and then that one other time… It takes a special person to bring out the ugly in me.

So let's talk about Victimization. "(actual) Victims of abuse and manipulation often get trapped in a self-image of victimization. The psychological profile includes a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame and depression. This way of thinking can lead to hopelessness and despair." - wikipedia

Trust me, I am VERY familiar with this mentality. Been there, done that. Went to the support group. Worked through the Twelve Steps. Now living in Recovery. Thanking God every day.

That doesn't mean these feelings, associated with a victim mentality, but also very normal feelings, will go away forever. No. I have to face some of these feelings every day. I have to overcome them with help from God and others. I can tell you from experience, someone with a victim mentality will generally not seek help from others because of the shame and fear and doubt. And the helplessness, I mean what's the point in getting help when there is absolutely no hope that things could get better?!

Victim Mentality, in real life, is debilitating. It strips someone of their sense of self, their "power" and gives that power-over them to another individual. A "victim" will find any means to survive, such as using the same abuse and manipulation to try to get their power back or succumbing to the abuse and shutting down - becoming stoic - in order to not feel the pain anymore. I did both.

There are a lot of different psychological and mental conditions that contribute to both sides, but I'm not getting into those today. Both parties are at fault. But when awareness comes, both parties are responsible for only themselves, to change and grow into a healthier individual.

"Victim mentality is primarily learned and not inborn, it is possible to change it. A change in attitude may be provoked by an extraordinary situation or crisis." - wikipedia

I can boldly tell you I do not suffer from victim mentality anymore. Do I suffer from loneliness, helplessness, doubt, anger and fear still? Yes, sometimes. Especially since I was born with depression, my brain doesn't make enough seratonin, and that IS a mental state I will never be able to change. kind of depressing, I know. But I take a daily med and keep it in check.
How do I know I am not a victim? Because I OWN my feelings and my personal responsibility. I don't hide my feelings anymore, clearly! and I don't blame them on someone else. I can admit when I act out of line. It happens, I'm human. I'm responsible for my reactions but I'm not responsible for other people's, thank God!

Other people and circumstances will influence our feelings, may bring out what I like to call "the ugly in me" but you have choices. One choice is OWN your feelings, try to carefully express them, hard to do sometimes, not always successful, but this is actively keeping your "Power-over-self" instead of becoming a victim. Another choice is continue to be ugly, not a pretty choice. And still another choice, sometimes necessary, is let the feelings and circumstances (and person) go and just walk away.

One thing some people don't, and may never, understand is my writing. "you write about (him/them)… that's what a victim does… draw attention to yourself… make others look bad… " That first statement is not true. I write about myself, my experiences and my feelings. People play a role in our experiences, I can't help that, but I try to be careful how I share my story… which leads to the next statements. Accusations of intent. I know my intentions for sharing my story, definitely not to get attention or make someone look bad. I've talked about why I write, many times, I don't need to defend myself.

College kids

I have a kid going to college this Fall! I can hardly believe it. Time is just flying. My kids are almost adults.

I've been researching colleges, requirements, scholarships and any help with the cost of college. College is expensive. And I don't want my kids to start life with more debt than I have, it's hard enough to just make paying bills on any job salary.

I signed up to be an Amazon Affiliate. I'm calling it my kids' college savings plan. Basically I promote Amazon and get commissions from purchases through the links I provide.

So if you like shopping at Amazon like I do, use this link and do your shopping.
Shopping online at Amazon saves you time and money. For sure. They have everything you need including good value. Simplify your life. And help me pay for college. Thank you! Enjoy...