I think I Can, I think I Can't...

I'm an over achiever. Somedays.
I think I can. Because "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," right?
But some days I think I can't. Some days I listen to the voice that said I'm not good enough, I'm mentally crazy and I can't do it alone.
Those days I forget I'm not alone.

I have done a lot of things in my almost 38 years of life. The first few years I drove my mom crazy because I am stubborn and don't like to sleep, but I'm making it up to her ;) My third kid didn't sleep through the night until he was 7, karma. It was my mom who fixed that issue during the two weeks I was in Brazil. Thank you mom!

I've always worked. I worked hard at being a bossy oldest sister. In Junior High I was hired to babysit my annoying little sisters and bratty little brothers. :) I love you guys and will forever be grateful for everything you do for me!
In High School I worked with my dad, Eymann Construction. Found out I love to paint and I'm especially good at small details. I can do any job I'm asked to do, but I have one limit. I don't like roofing in the rain.

After I married, after High School graduation, I worked at Fidelity National Title company. A secretary, then an escrow assistant, closer/notary, then part time odd jobs when I became a mom. Imagine typing on the computer at a desk while nursing the baby in my lap because toddler was finally down for a nap. Or imagine the excitement of getting to shower and dress nice and put make-up on to go into an office full of adults while my littles stayed with Grandma.
I've done several different jobs since the economy crash in 2008. FNT had to let go of a little part-timer. I was a preschool teacher, Avon distributer, International Exchange Student host/rep and caregiver.

I learned there is one thing I can't do. Sell things. I give too freely. Not a good trait for a salesperson.

Work, work, work, in addition to the 24/7 job of being a mom. The most important job.
In my free time I like to take care of others and do what others want me to do.

January 2008

So, if I seem lazy lately, I'm aware of it and it's by choice. Whether it is an I can or an I can't day. I'm choosing to take care of me now.

Somedays I think I can't do it all anymore and I don't want to do anything ever again, especially adulting. It feels like a miracle when I make it through those days and I realize the kids are alive, I actually did something.
Somedays I think I can, but I I've learned I don't have to do everything. It's ok to take a break for myself when I need a break.

Lately I need a lot of breaks.

and "Joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5

Valentine's Day

This year I am celebrating the holiday BIG time!

I do not like this holiday. 

I do not have any good memories of it.

I pretended it didn't matter when I didn't get anything.

I laughed and agreed that "valentine's day is for people dating and we prefer to get each other gifts when we are not expected to." yah, right.

BOYS: GET YOUR GIRL SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY!

Every girl wants something on Valentine's day!

This year I got myself my favorite flower and I got the kids' favorite valentine chocolates. I got Isaac's favorite gift, stuffed animals, Brianna's favorite desert, brownies, the kids' favorite food, pizza. And that was on Friday. More is coming today when they get home from dad's!

We are celebrating big time this year!

because the past years sucked.

Valentine's 2014 was the most memorable. 

Three months after my "awakening", after three months of confusion, pain and anxiety which turned me into a skeleton. I lost 35lb too fast. I couldn't do a dang thing about it. The lying, excuses, mocking, threatening and all the hurtful evidence I continued to find… then ignoring me completely for two weeks... kept me in a state of constant panic. My anti-anxiety medication did not work. I could not keep food down and I could not stop pacing, all day and all night. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe.

Needless to say, my family and friends, especially my coworkers, could see I was in a crisis. A do-or-die crisis. I needed help.

The first counsellor I met with, on recommendation from a good friend, was on February 13th, 2014. I learned I knew nothing about what I was dealing with. For 18 years I thought I was supposed to submit to my husband, always, no matter what, but that instruction is given alongside the instruction "Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church" Ephesians 5:25. My submission did not respect myself or God. The Bible talks about addictions and abuse but the brief explanations I never put two and two together and no one taught me about this stuff before.
Key points I learned at this meeting: Every word out of an addict (in denial) is a lie. Sexual addiction (or as I prefer to call it, "lust addiction") often leads to other addictions because it is one that can never be fully satisfied. An addict shifts all blame to others, mostly their spouse. I need to set Boundaries. What are boundaries?! I've never heard that word before! Well, for starters, they are what I need from my spouse in order to protect my well being and restore our marriage. 1. counselling for addictive behavior. 2. consistency in changed behavior over time. 3. Honesty, openness, willingness to show me his phone and computer. 4. Stop belittling and blaming me. (Basic Boundaries: don't harm yourself, don't harm others and don't let others harm you)

I left the meeting with these instructions: Take a strong stand. State my boundaries and request a separation while he addresses and works on these boundaries so he knows I'm serious.

So I left a letter on Friday before he got home from work. It was Valentine's day.

"the kids and I are staying at my parent's house this weekend. You need to be out of the house by Sunday afternoon. These are things you have said to me: 'I want no one' 'leave me alone' 'it's been over for a few years anyways.' It hurts me you feel this way about me and our marriage and it is at the point now I need to let you make the choice…if you want what I want, a healthy stronger marriage, or…I love you and care about you and hope and pray we will both heal and grow as individuals so we can come together to heal and grow as a couple. This will require counselling for both of us individually before we can go to marriage counselling. I am seeing my counsellor and on meds for my depression. I am also seeing a Christian counsellor that specializes in marriage crises. PLEASE consider going to a counsellor for the issues that continue to destroy me. I ask that during this time apart we both go to counselling…I trust God to work all things out. I love you always and forever. your wife."

Reading it now, I can see why this didn't go as I hoped. I didn't specify the issues that were hurting me that I needed to see change. I didn't set an ultimatum. But I didn't really understand what I was doing still.

It was a hard weekend for me. He freaked out, of course, posted stuff on social media, tried to get a hold of me constantly. I wanted to talk to him but I had been advised that isn't a good idea so my dad talked with him. That didn't go over well. 

We met Sunday afternoon with our dads present. Nothing was resolved. He said he had plans to take me to a hotel that night and I jumped at the opportunity to spend alone time with him. I missed him and I thought he planned this short vaca for us because he does care about me and love me and wants to be with me. oops, I forgot, addicts lie! Found out the next day it was a business trip for him. I was also told I was getting too skinny, what's wrong with you?  Really?! you haven't been paying attention to me or anything I've been saying the last three months?!

That was my first failed attempt to stick to my boundaries and demand change. I had many failed attempts and gave him many chances, but God was working on me during it all because I needed to grow… I learned all I could about addictions, verbal abuse, psychology, narcissism, and saw many different counsellors and psychiatrists and therapists and joined recovery groups for myself. I'm still learning and growing, that's what this life is for.

I don't remember Valentines 2015. I'm sure we did not celebrate. Our text convo the night before went like this…

spouse: what support group do you have going tonight?

me: I don't on Friday! Wanna go out?

spouse: I don't. It's Friday! LOL

me: You don't wanna go out?

spouse: I'm good. You can take your support groups out.

me: That is mean.

So this year, Valentines 2016, I am celebrating BIG and sending everyone Lots of Love! You are special and you are loved!
"In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

I Love You!

Codependency in my marriage

"movement keeps our minds free of negative thoughts." -me

I was going to write about a codependent's struggle, people pleasing. It goes along with the verses I read and an article about running: Look forward and up, Do not look sideways or backwards (people pleasing, comparing) or we will lose our footing on the path we are on. The path of right-ness. Proverbs 21:21 "He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honour."

Then I came across this article about codependency and marriage… How the Codependency movement is destroying marriages. I had to read it. It is long but worth it, and I agree with it.
The author, a marriage counsellor, Willard F. Harley, Jr., says "codependency movement is destroying marriages." Do not confuse that with a true codependent-addict relationship/marriage.

There are 10 questions, I answered "yes" to all, to determine codependency in a marriage. Like the author says, it is not bad or wrong to put other's needs before our own, to help people, etc. BUT, what I think is missing from everything I've read about love and marriage is the importance of understanding our reason for doing these things. Ask ourself Is it benefitting the other person and myself? Is it mothering or smothering or controlling in any way? If it hinders the other person's or our own spiritual, mental, emotional or physical health in any way then it is not good or right.

1. If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should do it. Yes. I did everything I was asked or told and then some. I could not say No. That got me into a load of hurt and I became a bitter enabler and co-addict, and kept my spouse from healing and growing - take responsibility, make healthy choices, own mistakes. Today, if someone expects me to do something, I gladly will IF I choose to, after some thought, if it is something they can't do for themselves or I know it will be appreciated. A healthy response is not, I should do it, but I want to do it.
2. I should not be irritable or unpleasant. Yes, because when I was, my spouse left and found comfort in other things/people. I tried to be the perfect wife just so he'd want to stay. Does that sound healthy? I am really a very patient, pleasant, calm person…so if I am not, you should be asking yourself what you did to me ;) We all get irritable and unpleasant at times and it is our responsibility to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. I'm all about overall good health if you haven't noticed.
3. I shouldn't do anything to make others angry at me. Yes. Duh. I don't want anyone to be upset with me! This is people pleasing. The thing about people pleasing is that everyone has different sets of values, beliefs and morals. So when we express ourselves, we're bound to upset someone who disagrees with us. It is inevitable. This is the key: DO NOT compromise your values, beliefs and morals to please someone else, no matter who they are, not even your spouse! I repeat, do not compromise your spiritual, mental, emotional or physical health just to please your spouse. It will destroy you. I know this from experience.
4. I should keep people I love happy. Yes. Kind of the same thing as #3 right? kind of, but here's the difference: I don't have to compromise my values, beliefs and morals in trying to keep someone happy but I may still destroy myself in the process. Trying to keep someone happy who depends on other people and things (addictions) to bring them happiness sucks the life out of you. We are each responsible for our own happiness. My happiness sometimes overflows and I love to share it, but when it is not received by someone I'm trying to make happy, I don't need to feel like a failure. God commands us to LOVE others, He didn't say make others happy.
5. It's usually my fault if someone I care about is upset with me. Yes. Because I was told that for twenty plus years. I'm not good enough, I'm too good. I have mental issues, I don't love enough. I'm too fat, I'm too skinny. I'm crazy, I'm a joke, I'm a (enter every bad word girls are called) and a horrible, lying, self-righteous hypocrite. It was my fault when he gambled, when he went to the bar to "escape me" and when he needed someone else to meet his emotional needs. I know it was partially my fault. I was not a healthy influence, as much as I tried to be. I reacted a lot. I said just as horrible things to him. I said marrying him was a mistake. I'd love to take all of those words back and I've tried to apologize and tell him what I really believe. A little over a year ago, December 2014, I was in recovery. I did the 12 steps and I was learning to be a healthy individual. My behavior was changing. But guess what? He was still upset with me. In fact, he became worse.
6. I obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems. Yes! I love helping people!! I want to fix everyone!!! And I feel better when I do!!!! This leads to burn out and feeling like a failure when we can't solve their problems. Some people aren't ready to be helped, they want the attention and take advantage of the giver. That is not our fault. God created us to love and help each other. But watch out for people who do not want to be helped, or worse, who think they don't need any help.
7. I tend to overextend myself in taking care of others. Yes. It's exhausting. Especially when my spouse expects me to do everything for him (see #1) and I have 3 kids to take care of and I want to help everyone else I know! Guess who I forgot to take care of? ME. I don't think taking care of myself is selfish, I used to, but this one rule finally sunk in - I need to put the oxygen mask on myself before helping others put theirs on. If I don't I can't help as many people as I want to and I will stop breathing. And we all suffer. Taking care of me enables me to successfully take care of the people that God wants me to take care of. And it becomes energizing!
8. If necessary, I put my own values or needs aside in order to preserve my relationship with my spouse. Yes. If you read my answers to the questions above, you already know I did this. And not in a healthy way or context. It caused shame. Such an ugly thing, shame. In a healthy relationship, sometimes it is necessary to put our own needs on the back burner when our spouse is hurting, struggling and has needs we can lovingly focus on to restore them and in turn our relationship grows stronger. That's the beauty of real love. When we give, God makes sure we receive. Give lovingly, not selfishly.
9. I have a hard time receiving things from others. Yes. I received things from my spouse, because of manipulation - I manipulated, he manipulated, it doesn't matter who did it anymore, manipulation is not healthy. The giving and receiving was not done in real love. It meant I was expected to give him something in return. It meant erase everything in the past without apologies, repentance, forgiveness and change. I have a hard time receiving things from others because I feel like I owe them. Two years ago when I was at rock bottom, though, I received everything I needed from a lot of people. I know they gave because they truly care, not because they want anything from me. I will always be grateful. When I got healthier I started paying it forward, not because I felt like I had to, because I want to.
10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what I say or do. Yes. and Yes. This one reminds me of a story I wanted to share, I guess it's time to share it. A story about smoking marijuana. June 2014 my spouse and I travelled to Brazil for World Cup and stayed with one of our exchange student's families. They smoke, a lot. So my spouse and I talked about trying it for the first time while we were on vacation. My brother, who lives in Estacada, smokes it for medicinal reasons. So one time I was out there, before our big trip, I decided it would be a good idea to try it for the first time with my family around instead of strangers. I took two puffs.
Glennon Doyle Melton says in her book, Carry On Warrior, "the point of being high is to stop acting and just enjoy yourself"…but for someone like me, who always acted - my life was an act, I wanted everyone to believe my life and my marriage was good and I especially wanted my spouse to believe that I think my life and my marriage was good - not acting anymore exposed a deep-rooted fear. I panicked. I thought I was going to die, and if I didn't die here my spouse would find out what I did as soon as I got home and his reaction would be worse than me dying here. I was scared to die and scared of not dying. After I got my mind right again, I realized a horrible truth - I was scared of my spouse. During my panic I googled pot/anxiety. Come to find out 2 out of 10 people have this kind of reaction to smoking marijuana. Good to know, I won't ever smoke again, but that didn't relieve any of the panic I was experiencing at the time. During it, I texted my spouse, "I'm so sorry. I love you," in case I did die. I took a shower and scrubbed my skin raw and put on new clothes, hoping there would be no trace of the smell when I got home. I didn't die and it wore off pretty quickly, although it felt like forever.

After starting recovery I learned to emotionally detach. I gained confidence to stand up for myself and say no when it was necessary. And like I said, my spouse's behavior got worse. I asked my spouse to leave our home February 21st, 2015. I realized the deep-rooted fear was still there, despite all the progress I made in recovery and therapy. For almost a month after he left, my heart started racing every time I heard a car coming down our street, we live near a dead end. I was still scared of my spouse.
Emotions, like fear, affect our physical health, as well as our spiritual and mental health. They are all connected. They make up the total of who we are. When one suffers, the others suffer. When one is not healthy, examine the others, because chances are they are unhealthy too, and somewhere in us is a deep-rooted issue that is affecting our overall health.
It took me a few months to destroy that particular fear. Do you know what kills fear? Love!

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Divorce Court

I will be in court in 24 hours to testify on behalf of the kids and myself. The details of our divorce will be decided by the judge.
"those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…" Isaiah 40:31

We have been separated for one year, since February 22nd, 2015. In that year I waited and prayed.

I waited for evidence of repentance and change while I continued to work on myself with my therapist and counsellor and support groups and prayer.

I waited for what Pastor Bob told us in March, speaking to Tyler: "you still have the choice to win her back", while I continued to raise our kids and encouraged them to spend time with dad and set up a schedule for him.

I waited for compromise and compassion, agreed to go to mediation in June, one month before our scheduled hearing for temporary support. I compromised details of his parenting time despite not receiving any financial support that month.

I waited for a willingness to provide financial support to me for at least the kids' sake and help with extra expenses like sports fees and medical/dental expenses. I was accused of only caring about the money. I had to rely a lot on my parents, family and friends to get through the year, opened more credit cards and stopped asking him for help.

I waited for reconciliation.

My lawyer told me yesterday, "I'm sorry Kari, he says he has reconciled and his lawyer is asking if you want to reconcile, but everything he is doing to you and the kids and his requests for the divorce, they are the opposite of reconciliation. His attitude towards you and your kids is reflected in part in his position regarding the sale of the marital home. Demanding it be sold without regard to the effect on his children who grew up in that home…I once tried a case (my lawyer tries A LOT of difficult cases and tends to share a lot of examples from other cases) the wife did reconcile once we got to court. But her husband had spent the time leading up to it actively pursuing her. He bought her flowers, he made sure she and the kids were taken care of financially, he supported her going back to school, he didn't fight going to court and he showed up apologetically, told her she had every right and she deserved to have what she wanted." big sigh, I wish. But good for them!

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

"For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, He is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young, only to be rejected, says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back." Isaiah 54:5-7

Thank you Daddy

David Paul Eymann, my daddy, is a Pastor. He was a worship leader and youth pastor in Tuscon, AZ after he and my mom got married. He was a worship leader and youth pastor at Gladstone First Baptist Church when I was a child. Then he was the head pastor at Spirit Love and Truth Church.

side note: I met my husband at Gladstone First Baptist Church. I don't remember the first time I saw him, I was just 3, but I've been told it was love at first diaper change.  The Lewis families and our family left GFBC to start Spirit, Love and Truth Church in the Parkrose area when I was 7.

My dad is a hard working man. He is 63, retired, had hip surgery and has chronic pain but he won't stop. We tell him to. His 6 kids all try to make him stop. And we help him, but he just keeps going.

My dad retired from Eagle Fern Camp last year but continues to work on his Christmas tree farm in Estacada. He and my mom recently went to Haiti for 7 days on a missions trip. He helped build a concrete cover for a cistern and a kitchen for a family and delivered food to children in the sponsorship program. He. Won't. Stop!

Fathers are important in our developing relationship with our Father in Heaven. I got lucky. I have a good daddy. I know he loves me and will help me when I'm scared, or sad, or confused. I know he will share in my joy when I'm happy.
When I was growing up my daddy was concerned for my well being, he still is. When I did what I wanted, right or wrong, he always knew, and he was ever so patient. When he had to discipline me all it took was a look.
My daddy is one of the wisest, most loving fathers in the whole wide world. I might be biased. I go to him for the big questions in life. He helps guide me, with words of wisdom or advice. But sometimes he helps by providing no answer, reminding me to go to my Father in Heaven. He knows when I need to discover the truth on my own. He knows how to let go of someone he loves so very much and then wait patiently, and lovingly, and prayerfully.

So when I felt a shift in my heart, felt the broken cracks and holes from years of hurt fill with love, and realized, "WOW, I am finally healing!", I told my daddy first.

Daddy, here is a new writing on my blog! I finally get it…LOVE…I cried my heart and soul out…I finally realized he is unable to love me with a real love…And still I love him, from somewhere so deep in my heart only God could have planted it there and it is never going to go away…and only God can fill (the big hole in my heart) what Tyler can not…Daddy, I am finally able to let go of someone I love so very much and trust God to take care of what I wanted so badly to be mine, and wait. Patiently, lovingly and prayerfully.

Kari, It is good to read your description of the love in your heart for Tyler, even though he doesn't love you and he wants to hurt you. I think I understand it better now, and I think you know it is a love that will probably always create pain rather than hope fulfilled. But God's love for us was not without pain. Right? God is the God of miracles! if not the way we expect and hope for, then in His own way, His own time, even greater than we could have dreamed.

Thank you Daddy.  For those words.  For your love.  For everything.
Love, your daughter.

Dave and Carol Eymann
dad & mom
2015

What is Love?

My counselor challenged me a year ago, early 2015, to write about love…What does love look like? What does love feel like? How do I know love is real? How do I love others?

1 Corinthians 13 was the first place I went to, obviously. I have read the passage a hundred times and each time I glean something new. Writing these verses in my own words isn't enough though.
I read books. The Love Dare, Love Isn't Supposed To Hurt, The Cure, Safe People, Boundaries and more.
I love quotes and articles online. My youngest asked me one time why there are more screenshots in my photo album than pictures of him.

And, of course, countless songs that seem to be speaking to me.

It took me some time to think about it. Then I scribbled notes. I talked to siri in the car, she takes notes for me, because I think best while driving. Then I composed it, rewrote it, again and again… I changed words, add or delete, as I learned more about love and about me… It may change again in the future but for now this is what love is to me:





What is Love?
Love is an extension of God's love working through me.
Love is Christ in me. He who is perfect makes it whole.
Honest. Humble. Hope fulfilled.
Love is knowing my worth and believing others are worth loving.
Love acts with Kindness.
Thoughtful. Loyal. Helpful.
Love reacts with Patience.
Safe. Listens. Calm.
Love hurts when I love someone who is unable to love me back.
Love accepts the person but not the behavior.
Encourages. Supports. Appreciates.
Love forgives and lives forward.
Love knows when to let go, when letting go is necessary.
Eyes wide open, a light in the darkness.
Love is unconditional yet has boundaries in this world.
Protects. Guides. Waits. Heals.
Love moves me.
Love holds me.
Love comforts me.
Love is free to give, Priceless to receive.

December, 2014

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 from the Women of Faith Message Bible
"So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies."

It is up to each of us to choose to Love,
 to choose who we Love, to choose how we Love.
It is your choice.