Victim Mentality

It's ironic when someone accuses me of having a victim mentality and THEY are clearly the reason I am struggling with feelings of loneliness, helplessness, doubt, anger and fear. haha. That's an ironic statement, if you didn't get it.

But seriously, in all my relationships, I am emotionally stable. I love and feel loved in return. I don't depend on others for help or give someone power over my feelings or circumstances. Except for that one time, when I was married for 19 years, and then that one other time… It takes a special person to bring out the ugly in me.

So let's talk about Victimization. "(actual) Victims of abuse and manipulation often get trapped in a self-image of victimization. The psychological profile includes a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame and depression. This way of thinking can lead to hopelessness and despair." - wikipedia

Trust me, I am VERY familiar with this mentality. Been there, done that. Went to the support group. Worked through the Twelve Steps. Now living in Recovery. Thanking God every day.

That doesn't mean these feelings, associated with a victim mentality, but also very normal feelings, will go away forever. No. I have to face some of these feelings every day. I have to overcome them with help from God and others. I can tell you from experience, someone with a victim mentality will generally not seek help from others because of the shame and fear and doubt. And the helplessness, I mean what's the point in getting help when there is absolutely no hope that things could get better?!

Victim Mentality, in real life, is debilitating. It strips someone of their sense of self, their "power" and gives that power-over them to another individual. A "victim" will find any means to survive, such as using the same abuse and manipulation to try to get their power back or succumbing to the abuse and shutting down - becoming stoic - in order to not feel the pain anymore. I did both.

There are a lot of different psychological and mental conditions that contribute to both sides, but I'm not getting into those today. Both parties are at fault. But when awareness comes, both parties are responsible for only themselves, to change and grow into a healthier individual.

"Victim mentality is primarily learned and not inborn, it is possible to change it. A change in attitude may be provoked by an extraordinary situation or crisis." - wikipedia

I can boldly tell you I do not suffer from victim mentality anymore. Do I suffer from loneliness, helplessness, doubt, anger and fear still? Yes, sometimes. Especially since I was born with depression, my brain doesn't make enough seratonin, and that IS a mental state I will never be able to change. kind of depressing, I know. But I take a daily med and keep it in check.
How do I know I am not a victim? Because I OWN my feelings and my personal responsibility. I don't hide my feelings anymore, clearly! and I don't blame them on someone else. I can admit when I act out of line. It happens, I'm human. I'm responsible for my reactions but I'm not responsible for other people's, thank God!

Other people and circumstances will influence our feelings, may bring out what I like to call "the ugly in me" but you have choices. One choice is OWN your feelings, try to carefully express them, hard to do sometimes, not always successful, but this is actively keeping your "Power-over-self" instead of becoming a victim. Another choice is continue to be ugly, not a pretty choice. And still another choice, sometimes necessary, is let the feelings and circumstances (and person) go and just walk away.

One thing some people don't, and may never, understand is my writing. "you write about (him/them)… that's what a victim does… draw attention to yourself… make others look bad… " That first statement is not true. I write about myself, my experiences and my feelings. People play a role in our experiences, I can't help that, but I try to be careful how I share my story… which leads to the next statements. Accusations of intent. I know my intentions for sharing my story, definitely not to get attention or make someone look bad. I've talked about why I write, many times, I don't need to defend myself.