About Grief

Grief has 5 to 7 stages and several emotions in each stage. Depending on which book or online material you read.

For me the stages are:

Shock/Denial,
Anger/Anxiety,  
Hysterical/Dialogue,
Depression/Rock Bottom,
Acceptance/Empowerment.

I've been through the grief process many times in the last two years, since my 'big grief', it's getting easier to identify it and let myself feel all the emotions. All gazillion of them. Sometimes I can process them all in just one day.

My 'Big Grief' took 9 months. I didn't know I was "grieving".
November 2013-July 2014. I knew life as I'd known it and dreamt it was never to be the same again. It took me awhile to realize it as a loss, that I was grieving the death of the "perfect marriage" I always wanted.

Shock/Denial stage actually started November 2012, I found out my husband was seeing a young girl, so the whole process I guess was 1 year 9 months.
It's easy to forget or discount the denial stage because the emotions experienced during that stage don't feel like emotions: numbness and confusion, with a hint of fear.
I knew the girl, they were "friends" for several years. There had been previous incidents I ignored because I was living in denial to avoid the pain of an abusive relationship.
My husband "had" to tell me, three weeks after it happened, because they found out she had herpes and he was sorry he might have herpes. An apology for possible herpes. I didn't care about the herpes. (I don't have it and I won't say that word again!)
I needed an apology for betrayal. But I didn't get an apology for betrayal because it was my fault. He blames me and alcohol. No apology. Just blame.
How was it my fault? I wasn't a good enough wife, I didn't love him enough, I nagged him, I'm a horrible cook, etc, which forced him to go to bars after work and drink. He just happened to be drinking too much that night and just happened to run into her at the same bar… Yes, that was all my fault.
I have forgiven and moved on. This is just part of my story now. I am thankful it happened because in time it jolted me out of denial. It made me do something...
But for a year I was completely numb.

Anger/Anxiety stage exploded out of me November 2013, I found out they were still communicating. I had a gut feeling to check and I continued to find more evidence, pictures, receipts, etc. I became a professional detective. Always wanted to be an undercover detective!
Gut-wrenching fear, heart shattering pain, uncontrollable anger and an anxiety several xanax at a time could not calm. Within two months I'd lost too much weight. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down when I tried, couldn't sleep, sometimes I couldn't breathe. I carried a paper bag around with me. It really works.
The anxiety was intensified by the mind games my husband and his "girl_space_friend" were playing with me, doing and saying things and posting pictures on purpose to make me think I was crazy and then discount everything I found, lies and excuses. But this crazy mom managed to continue to work and take care of our kids and house. I poured my heart out to God and leaned on Him for strength. I couldn't stand on my own. He had to carry me during this time.

Hysterical/Dialogue should come after depression, thats what the books say, but for me it comes after the anxiety. I think every grief process is different, just like every person is different.
February 2014, I was beyond hysterical and desperate. I knew I could not continue in the state I was in so I asked friends and family for help.
I shared my story. Dialogue.
This is a key part of getting through a grief process: share your story with people you can trust to love and accept and help you. 
A good friend referred me to a crisis counsellor who recognized I was married to an addict who verbally and emotionally abused me. I couldn't stay in denial about that anymore.
She recommended a separation/ultimatum. That was Valentines weekend, 2014. Friday I left a letter, took the kids and stayed with my parents. Sunday evening I returned to talk, with our fathers present, and I fell for his bs again. "I had plans to take you to a hotel… I've missed you… I will do anything…"
I love get-aways to hotels so, to my parent's dismay, I went with him. Turns out it was a business trip so he was going anyways, it wasn't planned for me or our marriage. Also turns out he hadn't noticed the physical ramifications of the pain I was suffering the last two months. "You're getting too skinny… are you anorexic again… your hair is looking thin…" (no da it's my outside finally reflecting how much my inside is dying)
After that weekend I hysterically (I really like that word) did everything he wanted. I was willing to do anything to win him back and save our marriage. It's called bargaining. Bargaining is a part of the grief process. If I do this, maybe this will happen…

Depression has always been a struggle for me, it's in my genes, so throughout the denial, anxiety and hysteria I also felt sadness, low self-esteem and helplessness. I had so much shame built up. Shame is like guilt gone unchecked, it becomes you. It defines you. I believed I was not good enough and everything was my fault. I carried in me a fear and pain that consumed my thoughts and squeezed my heart. Those are the emotions of depression. What it feels like is trying to swim upstream, in a strong current, alone, and either sinking from exhaustion or hitting a rock every once in awhile, then fighting to resurface and continue swimming, upstream, exhausted, hurt, alone.

"Lord, I'm drowning in a sea of perplexity. Waves of confusion crash over me.
I'm too weak to shout for help. Either quiet the waves or lift me above them -
It's too late to learn to swim."

When I hit the Depression stage of grief  I fell fast and far. It was all dark and blurry. Going to strip clubs was not helping our marriage and caused more shame.

The Pain was so great I took a stab at cutting myself. For the first time in my life. I found that Cutting relieved the pain I felt inside. Cutting relieves pressure from the inside to the outside. But it is a temporary fix. I do not recommend it. (I just learned that holding an ice cube in your palm has the same effect!)
I chose to cut my wrists. But not deep enough to bleed a lot and I used scar cream to speed up healing and minimize scarring, because it wasn't something I wanted anyone to know about.  Just another thing my husband could accuse me of and call me crazy for. So. Much. Shame.

May 6th 2014, my 36th birthday, was my Rock Bottom.

I hit many rocks I thought were bottom before that night. I'm sure my friends and family thought, as did I, April 4th was rock bottom. I had to leave work because I couldn't move anymore. I couldn't function anymore. I couldn't talk. I had my husband take me to a good friend for help. She set me up with Providence behavioral health outpatient therapy starting Monday, April 7th. She told Tyler I needed to be alone at a hotel over the weekend and do nothing but sleep. Unfortunately I was like a rag doll and willingly went to strip clubs all weekend, with little sleep, because I was (hysterically) still doing whatever he wanted, hoping it would help our marriage. It sucked more life out of me.

Somewhere deep down I still had a spark of life. God was holding my heart together.
I went to therapy for four days. I met with a psychiatrist who prescribed medication. I went back to work the next week. I thought I was on the up.

But shame still consumed me. I continued to find evidence he was still doing things with her. They were still playing mind games with me to bring me down. They succeeded.

My birthday, May 6th, I got to choose where we went. Weak, codependent me chose somewhere I knew he wanted to go, so we could watch the Blazer game, eat and drink. (not something I enjoyed doing with my husband)
On the way there we stopped at the car dealership because he wanted to buy a new car for himself. After the game and some drinks, we went to a strip club, because he suggested it and I did not have the strength to say no. I didn't care. I was past caring anymore. I had lost all hope. But going to a strip club with someone you love and desperately trying to win his love, it kills a part of your heart to watch him watch other girls. That night it killed me… it was too much for my heart. It was my birthday for goodness sake! I fully believed I would never be enough to be loved. I went home and tried to take my life.

what it looks like now: the remaining scar,
after lots of scar cream,
is visible between the two needle punctures in this picture-
 a day last summer I gave blood and had my tb test done for school.

This cut was an intentional attempt to open major veins, from the wrist down to the inner part of my elbow, where I donate blood. I knew it would be hard to stop the blood flow this way. It was deep, but not deep enough. I missed the Median-cubital vein. I felt like a failure.

I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I woke up with a new purpose.

Acceptance/Empowerment comes when there is no where else to go but up. I had to get up to get my kids ready for school. I had to get up to go to work. I had to get up. You know you've hit rock bottom when the only option is up. I got up because I know that I know that I know I AM LOVED and I do not want to hurt those who love me. God loves me, my kids love me, my parents love me, lots of family and friends love me. I can do this because I believe their love. One person's love, or lack of, was not going to bring me down again, at least not that far down again.

Love changes people. I found purpose in my life, accepted myself and all my weaknesses and scars and determined to make it right. It might not be what I had hoped for, it might not be better. In fact, it will be messy for awhile but I had faith it would be ok. Yes God, I trust you with my life. And because of your love I am brave, I am confident, I am alive.

The scar, literally wearing my emotions on my sleeves, exposed some truths. An image of perfection was more important to my husband than my feelings. He was mad I could not wear my summer clothes because people would see the big scar. But I wore my summer clothes. It didn't bother me because I wasn't living in denial anymore. I let go of my shame. No shame is a free life. My dad, a retired pastor, told me he doesn't like to recommend divorce, but he feared staying in my marriage would kill me.

In June 2014 I went to a lawyer to file for a divorce. I could not follow through with it, that time, but it was a step in the right direction. It empowered me and gave me a sense of security, hope and strength.

The divorce was finalized May, 2016.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 
1 Corinthians 13:13

Divorce is hard

My divorce is almost final. The papers were signed and sent to court for filing. It took One Year and Two Months... This time… this was my second attempt.

God doesn't like divorce, I know. "The two shall become one… what God has joined let no man separate…"  my Lord also says, "But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so… God has called you to peace. For how do you know whether you will save your spouse?" 1 Cor. 7:15-16  "anyone who divorces…except for sexual immorality…" Matt 5:32. Two reasons for divorce mentioned in the Bible: abandonment and infidelity. When I learned of my husband's unfaithfulness, all the other problems came to the surface and I knew it was time. 18 years of...

Living with a narcissist means living with verbal and emotional abuse, brainwashing and passive aggressive behavior, such as manipulation and control.
A narcissist… Lies. Intimidates. Devalues. Discounts. Charms. Competes. Isolates. Taunts. Blames. Begs. Withholds. Projects. Gaslights. Lures. Betrays… to name a few of the things I lived with the last twenty years.

February 2014. an object

A narcissist does not let their partner leave them. They need the "perfect" status, the undivided attention and the feeling of superiority and power-over. Their partner is their object to control, their possession. And It takes a lot of self-love, self-control and courage to truly break free.

My first attempt was a hard, frightful time. The Year 2014… The bad year...

My daughter happens to be sitting next to me listening to a song, Gasoline… now several Halsey songs later I'm there. Back in the scary memories.

"There's no use crying about it." - Castle by Halsey

Control by Halsey:

July 30, 2014… middle of night 

"I sat (with my 3 kids) in bed 'til the morning.
I'm crying, "(He's) coming for me"
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind's like a deadly disease (mental anguish)

I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones

And all (my) kids cried out,

"Please stop, you're scaring me"

but I can't help this awful energy

…..

Who is in control?"

I yelled to heaven, "WHY?!" God said, Trust me.
I cried "How can I go on?" God said, Trust me.
I prayed, "When?" God said, Trust me. Walk in faith.

I tried to do it my way, my time.
I didn't know what I was doing.

July 30, 2014 my dear sister served him the papers. I was too scared to do it myself. He came to the  soccer camp I was coaching at with our kids. He put on a show like we were a happy family, then he whispered to me… reminded me the kids had to come home because of the Status Quo included in the paperwork. I couldn't take the kids to my parents or sisters house this night.

When I got home with the kids, he was already drinking. He made us stay downstairs, by his room, so he could "talk" to me. He wanted to "reason" with me.

Isaac, age 6, fell asleep. Dom, 13, stayed by my side the whole night. Bri, 11, clung to me. We huddled on the couch together.

He went to his room, to have another shot of liquor, then came out to the family room to "reason" with me (the kids' memory of that year is lots of yelling) then he went back to his room… repeat… repeat… repeat…

He told us he had every right to drink because I served him divorce papers! I was too scared to say anything. But I knew there is NO excuse for that behavior. And my actions do not justify his actions. Just like my choice to divorce does not need any justification. It is my choice, for me, and I don't need to defend Myself.

Late in the middle of the night he came out of his room holding his rifle. Dom and Bri were still awake on either side of me. They started crying. And shaking. I held them.

He told the kids the rifle is for him because there is no reason to go on if their mom didn't want him. Should they have said or even thought, oh ok that's alright, carry on?!… HELL NO!! They looked at me, pleading with their eyes for me to do something. Anything. They were scared. I was scared.

When he stepped outside I quickly locked all the doors and hid his rifle. While I was doing that he broke in the door downstairs and went to his room. He was preoccupied with getting a drink so I scooped up Isaac and Bri in my arms and Dom led us upstairs to Bri's room. There is a lock on her door.

He came upstairs and yelled at me through the door, then went downstairs… repeat… repeat… repeat…

 Dom and Bri finally fell asleep. I sat up all night. Listening, watching, praying.

Yes, I should have called the cops. But I loved him and I was a co-dependent. I couldn't do it. All I knew at that time, what I did my whole marriage, was to wait it out. We will all be ok in the morning. I had to believe that.

The next morning he went to work before the kids and I got up. He came home at lunchtime and told the kids he went to the doctor that morning and he was better now. No apology. No remorse. A lie.

*Suicide to a narcissist is an aggressive act of abuse to everyone involved. His thinking is not, "I can't go on because my wife doesn't want me." No, his thinking is, "If I can't have her then I will hurt her as much as possible." And in that moment, he thought if he killed himself in front of the kids, they would blame their mother and hate me and that would hurt me more than he could hurt me himself. Imploding. The other option is Exploding. When the verbal and emotional abuse doesn't work anymore, then move to physical abuse.

It did not get easier. Of course it got worse. Much worse.

It took only a month to break me down and convince me to cancel the divorce. In the next couple of months after I promised not to divorce him I joined group meetings, more therapy, started going to a specialist counsellor and read lots of books. To get healthier mentally and emotionally.

February 21, 2015 I felt threatened, for myself and the kids. I told him I wouldn't put up with it anymore and I will call the cops if he didn't stop. He called me crazy. Then he left. I didn't let him come back.

June 2015 I talked to the kids about divorce. The temporary hearing was coming up in July and I wanted them to know what was happening. Dom told me "don't stop it this time mom. I know God doesn't like divorce but He wants you to be loved… I think love is more important"

People ask me how or why Dom doesn't have a relationship with his dad. There are lots of little reasons, but there is one I recently learned about… A narcissist parent often plays favorites with their kids and favors the one they can vicariously live through, the one that makes them look the best. Social status and praise is very important to a narcissist. Of course his favorite is Brianna. How many times have we heard, "You're such a good soccer player B… you take after your dad… he must be very proud of you…" Yes it's pride, but not pride in his daughter, it's pride in himself.

Looking back through my journals I came across an entry from 2014, the bad year… "I asked Dom, you love Papa right? He said Yes, but he yells a lot and he yells at you more. That's why I stay in my room." Yet, he still loves. Of that I am most proud, that my kids know how to love despite the pain and the problems. To love like Christ loves us.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

In this life you will have drama

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

So… in this world we will have trouble, huh? We are in this world, there is no other world we can live in. And trouble is like problems is like drama is like heartaches is like uncomfortable situations. Therefore, in our life we will experience drama… and so much more.

The test of maturity is not in avoiding drama and problems. It is in how we react and grow during the hard times and circumstances, the drama and problems.

I had a boyfriend. That is so weird to say at age 37! And there really is a good explanation but this post is not about defending or explaining my decision. Although I need to explain a little…

February 20th I signed up on eHarmony. Online dating site, what was I thinking?! I needed a distraction from the awful texts and emails I was receiving. I have no problem with online dating, it does work for some people, but I didn't want to be one of those people, just not my style. So I signed up, I was that desperate for a distraction.

I found a match. Actually they find matches for you, but I mean one of those matches I really connected with. By day 3 we were texting and talking on the phone. It was fun!

And the really good thing was he lived 9 hours away. Long distance relationships are great for getting to know someone before meeting them. We had a lot in common and connected spiritually, mentally and emotionally. After 2 weeks we met. No fireworks but it was good. I enlisted my best friend to be with me and do an interrogation before giving me permission to go out with him ;)

At the end of week 4, we had our first conflict. I knew he did not want any drama, I surely didn't either, but I didn't realize he meant so much more than an emotionally healthy approach to conflicts.

I was accused of being too much drama and then I was dumped. Ouch. I think what was most upsetting is he got to dump me before I could tell him what I thought was really wrong about his accusations and if he couldn't work through this then it would be best if we went our separate ways. Didn't get that chance. I got dumped.

I had a good cry that night and felt a lot better the next day. And then I started analyzing the relationship. I know it its a learning and growing opportunity.

My Uncle Joe had given me a book a few months ago, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. I had just started reading it and learned about the different types of marriage styles for "resolving conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship," "the key to a lasting marriage is the ability to resolve conflicts." The three styles are:
1. Avoidance - problem minimizers who make light of any differences rather than resolving them.
2. Validators - in the midst of disagreement they let their partner know they consider their opinions and emotions valid, even if they don't agree with them.
3. Volatile - both partners have little interest in hearing each other's point of view in the heat of an argument - and I do mean heat!

Now, about my relationship. This guy is a great guy and will be a good catch for the right girl. There were a couple things I learned from my first ever relationship after being with only one guy my whole life, that I will not do or tolerate the next time, but overall he was a great guy. There was just one BIG problem that would never work for me. He is an Avoider!

According to the book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, an avoidance relationship can actually work for some couples. It just does not work for me. At all. I NEED to address any conflict or disagreement. I NEED to talk it out. I don't need to come to an agreement and I don't get angry. I have to talk it out so I can understand both sides - I talk, I listen, I analyze and I love compromise.

I am a Validator. I can also do Volatile successfully with the right person. But I can NOT do Avoidance. Imagine me avoiding everything and stuffing all my feelings and frustrations… someday it won't take much for the bomb inside me to ignite and hopefully everyone is out of range when I explode!!!

Happy Relationships to everyone! :)

Love in Action

It's Good Friday!
The day we reflect on the greatest Love in Action.
Jesus Christ died on the cross.
For us.
For ALL of us.
For every single human being who ever was and ever will be conceived.
"God demonstrates His Love for US in this: while WE were still sinners, CHRIST DIED for US!" Romans 5:8.
I don't know about you, but the thought of loving others like God loves us…I think it means I need to be ready to die for you. For anyone.

Bringing it down a few notches….I've been thinking about love in action the last couple weeks. About all the ways people I know who truly love me have shown they truly love me without having to say "look at me, this is how much I love you!"

Isaac at church

A simple text during the day, "Hello my friend…how's your day been?"

Words of encouragement from a friend, "You are doing perfect mom :)"

Bringing my family food when we needed it.

Bri & Dom at church with their adopted "grandparents"

An unexpected offering in the mail that met the needs I was praying for.

Our Pastor helping my son while I am away from home, not for me, but for my son, "…great kid, have enjoyed getting to know him better…it's been a pleasure."

Open doors and a couch or bed to sleep on when I needed to escape.

…even words of correction have shown me how much someone loves me.
They want the best for me.
They won't settle for anything less than what they know I can be or do.

How many people would you be willing to die for?
Is that a crazy question?
I don't think so.

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross….Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place!" Philippians 2:5-9

humble or proud?

I just finished a chapter in Carry On, Warrior, by Glennon Doyle Melton. The chapter is titled, The Golden Coin. Powerfully mind blowing.
I love, love, love when someone puts into words, in short simple words in fact, something I have been pondering for years. Something that fills my mind with countless thoughts and ideas.
It's like, "Oh. That's it? That's it!" And then I start debating other things in my mind because there's suddenly more room.

The Golden Coin is the balance between humility and confidence. They are opposite yet they need each other. They are connected like the two sides of a coin.
We need both to be whole but it's hard to find the right balance. When we lack too much of one, the other will consume us in an unhealthy way.
I used to struggle with worry and guilt about having too much pride. It's funny because I had no confidence back then. Zero confidence. My overbearing humility was trying to find confidence to balance itself. Without any confidence humility worried that every little thing I did and said was too much. Was I too selfish, too prideful, too needy? I was unconsciously reaching for someone to acknowledge me and be proud of me, to build me up. I was going about it all wrong though, just going in circles.
It's like what a friend told me: "you're a good mom." I'm trying but I don't feel like I'm doing enough. "That means you are a good mom. End of discussion." but…

Trying is good. It means we are aware we are not where we want to be and we won't give up until we get there.
In time the confidence will catch up to the humility, or vice-versa, and the universe will align and there will be a huge celebration inside me and I'll dance and shout, "I am enough!"

This is what Glennon says:
  "Be confident because you are a child of God. Be humble because everyone else is too."

I think I Can, I think I Can't...

I'm an over achiever. Somedays.
I think I can. Because "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," right?
But some days I think I can't. Some days I listen to the voice that said I'm not good enough, I'm mentally crazy and I can't do it alone.
Those days I forget I'm not alone.

I have done a lot of things in my almost 38 years of life. The first few years I drove my mom crazy because I am stubborn and don't like to sleep, but I'm making it up to her ;) My third kid didn't sleep through the night until he was 7, karma. It was my mom who fixed that issue during the two weeks I was in Brazil. Thank you mom!

I've always worked. I worked hard at being a bossy oldest sister. In Junior High I was hired to babysit my annoying little sisters and bratty little brothers. :) I love you guys and will forever be grateful for everything you do for me!
In High School I worked with my dad, Eymann Construction. Found out I love to paint and I'm especially good at small details. I can do any job I'm asked to do, but I have one limit. I don't like roofing in the rain.

After I married, after High School graduation, I worked at Fidelity National Title company. A secretary, then an escrow assistant, closer/notary, then part time odd jobs when I became a mom. Imagine typing on the computer at a desk while nursing the baby in my lap because toddler was finally down for a nap. Or imagine the excitement of getting to shower and dress nice and put make-up on to go into an office full of adults while my littles stayed with Grandma.
I've done several different jobs since the economy crash in 2008. FNT had to let go of a little part-timer. I was a preschool teacher, Avon distributer, International Exchange Student host/rep and caregiver.

I learned there is one thing I can't do. Sell things. I give too freely. Not a good trait for a salesperson.

Work, work, work, in addition to the 24/7 job of being a mom. The most important job.
In my free time I like to take care of others and do what others want me to do.

January 2008

So, if I seem lazy lately, I'm aware of it and it's by choice. Whether it is an I can or an I can't day. I'm choosing to take care of me now.

Somedays I think I can't do it all anymore and I don't want to do anything ever again, especially adulting. It feels like a miracle when I make it through those days and I realize the kids are alive, I actually did something.
Somedays I think I can, but I I've learned I don't have to do everything. It's ok to take a break for myself when I need a break.

Lately I need a lot of breaks.

and "Joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5

Valentine's Day

This year I am celebrating the holiday BIG time!

I do not like this holiday. 

I do not have any good memories of it.

I pretended it didn't matter when I didn't get anything.

I laughed and agreed that "valentine's day is for people dating and we prefer to get each other gifts when we are not expected to." yah, right.

BOYS: GET YOUR GIRL SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY!

Every girl wants something on Valentine's day!

This year I got myself my favorite flower and I got the kids' favorite valentine chocolates. I got Isaac's favorite gift, stuffed animals, Brianna's favorite desert, brownies, the kids' favorite food, pizza. And that was on Friday. More is coming today when they get home from dad's!

We are celebrating big time this year!

because the past years sucked.

Valentine's 2014 was the most memorable. 

Three months after my "awakening", after three months of confusion, pain and anxiety which turned me into a skeleton. I lost 35lb too fast. I couldn't do a dang thing about it. The lying, excuses, mocking, threatening and all the hurtful evidence I continued to find… then ignoring me completely for two weeks... kept me in a state of constant panic. My anti-anxiety medication did not work. I could not keep food down and I could not stop pacing, all day and all night. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe.

Needless to say, my family and friends, especially my coworkers, could see I was in a crisis. A do-or-die crisis. I needed help.

The first counsellor I met with, on recommendation from a good friend, was on February 13th, 2014. I learned I knew nothing about what I was dealing with. For 18 years I thought I was supposed to submit to my husband, always, no matter what, but that instruction is given alongside the instruction "Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church" Ephesians 5:25. My submission did not respect myself or God. The Bible talks about addictions and abuse but the brief explanations I never put two and two together and no one taught me about this stuff before.
Key points I learned at this meeting: Every word out of an addict (in denial) is a lie. Sexual addiction (or as I prefer to call it, "lust addiction") often leads to other addictions because it is one that can never be fully satisfied. An addict shifts all blame to others, mostly their spouse. I need to set Boundaries. What are boundaries?! I've never heard that word before! Well, for starters, they are what I need from my spouse in order to protect my well being and restore our marriage. 1. counselling for addictive behavior. 2. consistency in changed behavior over time. 3. Honesty, openness, willingness to show me his phone and computer. 4. Stop belittling and blaming me. (Basic Boundaries: don't harm yourself, don't harm others and don't let others harm you)

I left the meeting with these instructions: Take a strong stand. State my boundaries and request a separation while he addresses and works on these boundaries so he knows I'm serious.

So I left a letter on Friday before he got home from work. It was Valentine's day.

"the kids and I are staying at my parent's house this weekend. You need to be out of the house by Sunday afternoon. These are things you have said to me: 'I want no one' 'leave me alone' 'it's been over for a few years anyways.' It hurts me you feel this way about me and our marriage and it is at the point now I need to let you make the choice…if you want what I want, a healthy stronger marriage, or…I love you and care about you and hope and pray we will both heal and grow as individuals so we can come together to heal and grow as a couple. This will require counselling for both of us individually before we can go to marriage counselling. I am seeing my counsellor and on meds for my depression. I am also seeing a Christian counsellor that specializes in marriage crises. PLEASE consider going to a counsellor for the issues that continue to destroy me. I ask that during this time apart we both go to counselling…I trust God to work all things out. I love you always and forever. your wife."

Reading it now, I can see why this didn't go as I hoped. I didn't specify the issues that were hurting me that I needed to see change. I didn't set an ultimatum. But I didn't really understand what I was doing still.

It was a hard weekend for me. He freaked out, of course, posted stuff on social media, tried to get a hold of me constantly. I wanted to talk to him but I had been advised that isn't a good idea so my dad talked with him. That didn't go over well. 

We met Sunday afternoon with our dads present. Nothing was resolved. He said he had plans to take me to a hotel that night and I jumped at the opportunity to spend alone time with him. I missed him and I thought he planned this short vaca for us because he does care about me and love me and wants to be with me. oops, I forgot, addicts lie! Found out the next day it was a business trip for him. I was also told I was getting too skinny, what's wrong with you?  Really?! you haven't been paying attention to me or anything I've been saying the last three months?!

That was my first failed attempt to stick to my boundaries and demand change. I had many failed attempts and gave him many chances, but God was working on me during it all because I needed to grow… I learned all I could about addictions, verbal abuse, psychology, narcissism, and saw many different counsellors and psychiatrists and therapists and joined recovery groups for myself. I'm still learning and growing, that's what this life is for.

I don't remember Valentines 2015. I'm sure we did not celebrate. Our text convo the night before went like this…

spouse: what support group do you have going tonight?

me: I don't on Friday! Wanna go out?

spouse: I don't. It's Friday! LOL

me: You don't wanna go out?

spouse: I'm good. You can take your support groups out.

me: That is mean.

So this year, Valentines 2016, I am celebrating BIG and sending everyone Lots of Love! You are special and you are loved!
"In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

I Love You!

Codependency in my marriage

"movement keeps our minds free of negative thoughts." -me

I was going to write about a codependent's struggle, people pleasing. It goes along with the verses I read and an article about running: Look forward and up, Do not look sideways or backwards (people pleasing, comparing) or we will lose our footing on the path we are on. The path of right-ness. Proverbs 21:21 "He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honour."

Then I came across this article about codependency and marriage… How the Codependency movement is destroying marriages. I had to read it. It is long but worth it, and I agree with it.
The author, a marriage counsellor, Willard F. Harley, Jr., says "codependency movement is destroying marriages." Do not confuse that with a true codependent-addict relationship/marriage.

There are 10 questions, I answered "yes" to all, to determine codependency in a marriage. Like the author says, it is not bad or wrong to put other's needs before our own, to help people, etc. BUT, what I think is missing from everything I've read about love and marriage is the importance of understanding our reason for doing these things. Ask ourself Is it benefitting the other person and myself? Is it mothering or smothering or controlling in any way? If it hinders the other person's or our own spiritual, mental, emotional or physical health in any way then it is not good or right.

1. If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should do it. Yes. I did everything I was asked or told and then some. I could not say No. That got me into a load of hurt and I became a bitter enabler and co-addict, and kept my spouse from healing and growing - take responsibility, make healthy choices, own mistakes. Today, if someone expects me to do something, I gladly will IF I choose to, after some thought, if it is something they can't do for themselves or I know it will be appreciated. A healthy response is not, I should do it, but I want to do it.
2. I should not be irritable or unpleasant. Yes, because when I was, my spouse left and found comfort in other things/people. I tried to be the perfect wife just so he'd want to stay. Does that sound healthy? I am really a very patient, pleasant, calm person…so if I am not, you should be asking yourself what you did to me ;) We all get irritable and unpleasant at times and it is our responsibility to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. I'm all about overall good health if you haven't noticed.
3. I shouldn't do anything to make others angry at me. Yes. Duh. I don't want anyone to be upset with me! This is people pleasing. The thing about people pleasing is that everyone has different sets of values, beliefs and morals. So when we express ourselves, we're bound to upset someone who disagrees with us. It is inevitable. This is the key: DO NOT compromise your values, beliefs and morals to please someone else, no matter who they are, not even your spouse! I repeat, do not compromise your spiritual, mental, emotional or physical health just to please your spouse. It will destroy you. I know this from experience.
4. I should keep people I love happy. Yes. Kind of the same thing as #3 right? kind of, but here's the difference: I don't have to compromise my values, beliefs and morals in trying to keep someone happy but I may still destroy myself in the process. Trying to keep someone happy who depends on other people and things (addictions) to bring them happiness sucks the life out of you. We are each responsible for our own happiness. My happiness sometimes overflows and I love to share it, but when it is not received by someone I'm trying to make happy, I don't need to feel like a failure. God commands us to LOVE others, He didn't say make others happy.
5. It's usually my fault if someone I care about is upset with me. Yes. Because I was told that for twenty plus years. I'm not good enough, I'm too good. I have mental issues, I don't love enough. I'm too fat, I'm too skinny. I'm crazy, I'm a joke, I'm a (enter every bad word girls are called) and a horrible, lying, self-righteous hypocrite. It was my fault when he gambled, when he went to the bar to "escape me" and when he needed someone else to meet his emotional needs. I know it was partially my fault. I was not a healthy influence, as much as I tried to be. I reacted a lot. I said just as horrible things to him. I said marrying him was a mistake. I'd love to take all of those words back and I've tried to apologize and tell him what I really believe. A little over a year ago, December 2014, I was in recovery. I did the 12 steps and I was learning to be a healthy individual. My behavior was changing. But guess what? He was still upset with me. In fact, he became worse.
6. I obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems. Yes! I love helping people!! I want to fix everyone!!! And I feel better when I do!!!! This leads to burn out and feeling like a failure when we can't solve their problems. Some people aren't ready to be helped, they want the attention and take advantage of the giver. That is not our fault. God created us to love and help each other. But watch out for people who do not want to be helped, or worse, who think they don't need any help.
7. I tend to overextend myself in taking care of others. Yes. It's exhausting. Especially when my spouse expects me to do everything for him (see #1) and I have 3 kids to take care of and I want to help everyone else I know! Guess who I forgot to take care of? ME. I don't think taking care of myself is selfish, I used to, but this one rule finally sunk in - I need to put the oxygen mask on myself before helping others put theirs on. If I don't I can't help as many people as I want to and I will stop breathing. And we all suffer. Taking care of me enables me to successfully take care of the people that God wants me to take care of. And it becomes energizing!
8. If necessary, I put my own values or needs aside in order to preserve my relationship with my spouse. Yes. If you read my answers to the questions above, you already know I did this. And not in a healthy way or context. It caused shame. Such an ugly thing, shame. In a healthy relationship, sometimes it is necessary to put our own needs on the back burner when our spouse is hurting, struggling and has needs we can lovingly focus on to restore them and in turn our relationship grows stronger. That's the beauty of real love. When we give, God makes sure we receive. Give lovingly, not selfishly.
9. I have a hard time receiving things from others. Yes. I received things from my spouse, because of manipulation - I manipulated, he manipulated, it doesn't matter who did it anymore, manipulation is not healthy. The giving and receiving was not done in real love. It meant I was expected to give him something in return. It meant erase everything in the past without apologies, repentance, forgiveness and change. I have a hard time receiving things from others because I feel like I owe them. Two years ago when I was at rock bottom, though, I received everything I needed from a lot of people. I know they gave because they truly care, not because they want anything from me. I will always be grateful. When I got healthier I started paying it forward, not because I felt like I had to, because I want to.
10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what I say or do. Yes. and Yes. This one reminds me of a story I wanted to share, I guess it's time to share it. A story about smoking marijuana. June 2014 my spouse and I travelled to Brazil for World Cup and stayed with one of our exchange student's families. They smoke, a lot. So my spouse and I talked about trying it for the first time while we were on vacation. My brother, who lives in Estacada, smokes it for medicinal reasons. So one time I was out there, before our big trip, I decided it would be a good idea to try it for the first time with my family around instead of strangers. I took two puffs.
Glennon Doyle Melton says in her book, Carry On Warrior, "the point of being high is to stop acting and just enjoy yourself"…but for someone like me, who always acted - my life was an act, I wanted everyone to believe my life and my marriage was good and I especially wanted my spouse to believe that I think my life and my marriage was good - not acting anymore exposed a deep-rooted fear. I panicked. I thought I was going to die, and if I didn't die here my spouse would find out what I did as soon as I got home and his reaction would be worse than me dying here. I was scared to die and scared of not dying. After I got my mind right again, I realized a horrible truth - I was scared of my spouse. During my panic I googled pot/anxiety. Come to find out 2 out of 10 people have this kind of reaction to smoking marijuana. Good to know, I won't ever smoke again, but that didn't relieve any of the panic I was experiencing at the time. During it, I texted my spouse, "I'm so sorry. I love you," in case I did die. I took a shower and scrubbed my skin raw and put on new clothes, hoping there would be no trace of the smell when I got home. I didn't die and it wore off pretty quickly, although it felt like forever.

After starting recovery I learned to emotionally detach. I gained confidence to stand up for myself and say no when it was necessary. And like I said, my spouse's behavior got worse. I asked my spouse to leave our home February 21st, 2015. I realized the deep-rooted fear was still there, despite all the progress I made in recovery and therapy. For almost a month after he left, my heart started racing every time I heard a car coming down our street, we live near a dead end. I was still scared of my spouse.
Emotions, like fear, affect our physical health, as well as our spiritual and mental health. They are all connected. They make up the total of who we are. When one suffers, the others suffer. When one is not healthy, examine the others, because chances are they are unhealthy too, and somewhere in us is a deep-rooted issue that is affecting our overall health.
It took me a few months to destroy that particular fear. Do you know what kills fear? Love!

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Reading, Running, Realizations

Hi, my name is Kari Lewis. I am a codependent. Codependency, according to Ross Rosenburg, author of "The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why we love people who hurt us", is a lot like alcoholism. We become addicted to emotional manipulators due to our codependency. I'm still learning to break free from unhealthy emotional bonds and set healthy boundaries. Recovery is progress, not a final destination.

Reading is my coping mechanism. When I hid from reality I read. A lot. Fictional books, about life and love and happiness, a fake reality for me.
My awakening, my realization life could never be the same again, November 2013 changed me. All my emotions and dreams were released. Exposed. I couldn't hold them in even when I tried. And I couldn't read like I used to. I couldn't escape from reality.
I love to read, when I have some free time or need help falling asleep :) I still struggle reading fictional books but I want to again someday, I enjoy them. As for now, I read to learn and grow and discover new realizations.

I receive emails from Lindsey Ellison, a recovering codependent who now coaches people leaving unhealthy relationships, more specifically the codependent - narcissistic relationship. "Escaping the narcissistic vortex" is what drew me to her during my awakening year.
Today's email is titled: "You've got this Kari." Moving on after divorce is hard enough. I'm taking it slow and trusting my gut and I know something is off. But what do I do?! "What you have thought you worked on may come back…can lurk if you don't get back into the practice of removing it…Find a practice that works for you - meditate, run 5 miles…" oh snap! I have to go for a run! I've been avoiding it but I know it's time.

Running is my release. Running is my life. I started running daily in 8th grade, probably to lose weight and stay skinny because I was insecure. It was sometimes an escape for me - "running away" from life's problems, but it always, always brings me closer to God. God and I solve whatever problem I'm dealing with when we're running, and yes, I imagine Him running with me.
After the awakening I started running again. Boy did I have a lot of problems I wanted to run away from. I needed to "run into my Father's arms." Forever Reign, "Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms, the riches of your love will always be enough…"pended on my husband to meet my emotional needs and there 
During those runs I realized I had put my husband before God. God told me to let go. (so thankful for Frozen and the Let it Go song when I needed it!) I realized, my husband was not mine to depend on or try to fix. He belongs to God. And in his place I need to trust God, accept His unconditional love and put my hope in Him, making Him first in my life.

Back to the present, what is lurking under my radar and causing me to stumble again? Something I need to get back into the practice of removing, sometimes daily, by giving it to God. My emotional dependency on someone who is unable to fulfill my needs.

I ran today. Yeah me! During my run I let my thoughts drift, I prayed, I listened and I realized these things to be true:

"Say something when you're coming up behind someone," because some people don't like to be scared, and I need to practice speaking up for myself.

I make a lot of mistakes, and I have learned how to accept them as a learning experience. I will never make that same mistake again. But there is one mistake I continue to make. There is a quote about this: "if they do it often, it isn't a mistake; it's just their behavior." -Steve Maraboli 

Yep, I need to change my behavior. The only way I can do that is by letting it go, consciously giving my emotional dependant to God again. and again. and again. As many times as I forgive, I also give you to God.

Husband, I'm letting you go. Again. This is me letting go and moving forward, letting you move forward on your own. This is me saying sorry for holding onto you, it's hurting you. God wants me to let go and wait. I love you and pray for you and trust God, He is in control…bye hon.

"Say something I'm giving up on you…anywhere I would've followed you…and I am feeling so small, it was over my head…and I will stumble and fall, I'm still learning to love…Say something I'm giving up on you, I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you...and I will swallow my pride. you're the one that I love and I'm saying good-bye."

iWrite

Writing soothes my soul and mind. It is therapeutic. It is how I express myself.

I started writing in journals in middle school, when everything was confusing and changing.

I started a "mommy journal" when Dom was born. I filled it with special memories, cute and funny things the kids did or said. Kids say the darnedest things!

Write. Write your feelings, thoughts, dreams, problems, accounts of the day. Write your prayers, needs, wants, scriptures, quotes. Write it Down and someday read what you wrote. You will learn and grow. If nothing else, I realized how much i didn't know back then and omg I could have written  that better. 

Read. The hardest things can make sense when you read. betrayal: "the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship" - wikipedia. Yes, this is what I am experiencing. I need to learn more…
I'm relieved I wrote in journals because there was much I chose to ignore or hide but still I wrote it down. 20 years later, it was time to deal with the reality and I had proof I was not crazy like he said. I wold not be talked down this time.
It was easier to forgive the girl I thought was naive and blind because here was proof she knew the problems, yet chose to love and marry. Stupid maybe, but she had hope. I can't be mad at myself for believing people can change but I had to forgive myself . 

Writing keeps us accountable.  

The Sunday before court, we sang a song in church that impressed on me the importance of our words…written or spoken…

"Overcome"

 "We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, everyone overcome."

Write your testimony. Tell others. Don't hold it in. I did that far too long. I wrote in my journal but I didn't tell anyone. 

We can overcome - our fears, our sins, our struggles - by believing in Jesus, his love and sacrifice and resurrection, and by our words. 

"confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so you may be healed." James 5:16

"they triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death." Revelation 12:11

Worst day of my life

Today was the worst day of my life.
I'm sure I've had more painful days, more stressful days, more disastrous days. But today I will never forget. A part of me died.
We were in court 9am-4pm, with one and a half hour lunch.
The judge decided...
Spousal transitional support...
Child support...
The kids and I get to stay in our home and I have 2 years to refinance.
Parental visitation will remain the same, with a few exceptions. He has to bring the kids to our church Sunday morning then they can spend the afternoon with him. ("kids" refers to Brianna and Isaac. Time with Dom will depend on his willingness to reconcile the relationship with his son.)
He will get four nonconsecutive weeks during the summer. At July's temporary hearing this was discussed and we agreed to two weeks. In November he sent a request which included three weeks. I responded two weeks is reasonable with the kids' schedule-camps and activities but in court he asked for four…
Our assets are split 50/50.
I am custodial parent.
My brain is powering down now.

Divorce Court

I will be in court in 24 hours to testify on behalf of the kids and myself. The details of our divorce will be decided by the judge.
"those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength…" Isaiah 40:31

We have been separated for one year, since February 22nd, 2015. In that year I waited and prayed.

I waited for evidence of repentance and change while I continued to work on myself with my therapist and counsellor and support groups and prayer.

I waited for what Pastor Bob told us in March, speaking to Tyler: "you still have the choice to win her back", while I continued to raise our kids and encouraged them to spend time with dad and set up a schedule for him.

I waited for compromise and compassion, agreed to go to mediation in June, one month before our scheduled hearing for temporary support. I compromised details of his parenting time despite not receiving any financial support that month.

I waited for a willingness to provide financial support to me for at least the kids' sake and help with extra expenses like sports fees and medical/dental expenses. I was accused of only caring about the money. I had to rely a lot on my parents, family and friends to get through the year, opened more credit cards and stopped asking him for help.

I waited for reconciliation.

My lawyer told me yesterday, "I'm sorry Kari, he says he has reconciled and his lawyer is asking if you want to reconcile, but everything he is doing to you and the kids and his requests for the divorce, they are the opposite of reconciliation. His attitude towards you and your kids is reflected in part in his position regarding the sale of the marital home. Demanding it be sold without regard to the effect on his children who grew up in that home…I once tried a case (my lawyer tries A LOT of difficult cases and tends to share a lot of examples from other cases) the wife did reconcile once we got to court. But her husband had spent the time leading up to it actively pursuing her. He bought her flowers, he made sure she and the kids were taken care of financially, he supported her going back to school, he didn't fight going to court and he showed up apologetically, told her she had every right and she deserved to have what she wanted." big sigh, I wish. But good for them!

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

"For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, He is called the God of all the earth.
The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young, only to be rejected, says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back." Isaiah 54:5-7

Thank you Daddy

David Paul Eymann, my daddy, is a Pastor. He was a worship leader and youth pastor in Tuscon, AZ after he and my mom got married. He was a worship leader and youth pastor at Gladstone First Baptist Church when I was a child. Then he was the head pastor at Spirit Love and Truth Church.

side note: I met my husband at Gladstone First Baptist Church. I don't remember the first time I saw him, I was just 3, but I've been told it was love at first diaper change.  The Lewis families and our family left GFBC to start Spirit, Love and Truth Church in the Parkrose area when I was 7.

My dad is a hard working man. He is 63, retired, had hip surgery and has chronic pain but he won't stop. We tell him to. His 6 kids all try to make him stop. And we help him, but he just keeps going.

My dad retired from Eagle Fern Camp last year but continues to work on his Christmas tree farm in Estacada. He and my mom recently went to Haiti for 7 days on a missions trip. He helped build a concrete cover for a cistern and a kitchen for a family and delivered food to children in the sponsorship program. He. Won't. Stop!

Fathers are important in our developing relationship with our Father in Heaven. I got lucky. I have a good daddy. I know he loves me and will help me when I'm scared, or sad, or confused. I know he will share in my joy when I'm happy.
When I was growing up my daddy was concerned for my well being, he still is. When I did what I wanted, right or wrong, he always knew, and he was ever so patient. When he had to discipline me all it took was a look.
My daddy is one of the wisest, most loving fathers in the whole wide world. I might be biased. I go to him for the big questions in life. He helps guide me, with words of wisdom or advice. But sometimes he helps by providing no answer, reminding me to go to my Father in Heaven. He knows when I need to discover the truth on my own. He knows how to let go of someone he loves so very much and then wait patiently, and lovingly, and prayerfully.

So when I felt a shift in my heart, felt the broken cracks and holes from years of hurt fill with love, and realized, "WOW, I am finally healing!", I told my daddy first.

Daddy, here is a new writing on my blog! I finally get it…LOVE…I cried my heart and soul out…I finally realized he is unable to love me with a real love…And still I love him, from somewhere so deep in my heart only God could have planted it there and it is never going to go away…and only God can fill (the big hole in my heart) what Tyler can not…Daddy, I am finally able to let go of someone I love so very much and trust God to take care of what I wanted so badly to be mine, and wait. Patiently, lovingly and prayerfully.

Kari, It is good to read your description of the love in your heart for Tyler, even though he doesn't love you and he wants to hurt you. I think I understand it better now, and I think you know it is a love that will probably always create pain rather than hope fulfilled. But God's love for us was not without pain. Right? God is the God of miracles! if not the way we expect and hope for, then in His own way, His own time, even greater than we could have dreamed.

Thank you Daddy.  For those words.  For your love.  For everything.
Love, your daughter.

Dave and Carol Eymann
dad & mom
2015

What is Love?

My counselor challenged me a year ago, early 2015, to write about love…What does love look like? What does love feel like? How do I know love is real? How do I love others?

1 Corinthians 13 was the first place I went to, obviously. I have read the passage a hundred times and each time I glean something new. Writing these verses in my own words isn't enough though.
I read books. The Love Dare, Love Isn't Supposed To Hurt, The Cure, Safe People, Boundaries and more.
I love quotes and articles online. My youngest asked me one time why there are more screenshots in my photo album than pictures of him.

And, of course, countless songs that seem to be speaking to me.

It took me some time to think about it. Then I scribbled notes. I talked to siri in the car, she takes notes for me, because I think best while driving. Then I composed it, rewrote it, again and again… I changed words, add or delete, as I learned more about love and about me… It may change again in the future but for now this is what love is to me:





What is Love?
Love is an extension of God's love working through me.
Love is Christ in me. He who is perfect makes it whole.
Honest. Humble. Hope fulfilled.
Love is knowing my worth and believing others are worth loving.
Love acts with Kindness.
Thoughtful. Loyal. Helpful.
Love reacts with Patience.
Safe. Listens. Calm.
Love hurts when I love someone who is unable to love me back.
Love accepts the person but not the behavior.
Encourages. Supports. Appreciates.
Love forgives and lives forward.
Love knows when to let go, when letting go is necessary.
Eyes wide open, a light in the darkness.
Love is unconditional yet has boundaries in this world.
Protects. Guides. Waits. Heals.
Love moves me.
Love holds me.
Love comforts me.
Love is free to give, Priceless to receive.

December, 2014

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 from the Women of Faith Message Bible
"So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies."

It is up to each of us to choose to Love,
 to choose who we Love, to choose how we Love.
It is your choice.