Codependency in my marriage

"movement keeps our minds free of negative thoughts." -me

I was going to write about a codependent's struggle, people pleasing. It goes along with the verses I read and an article about running: Look forward and up, Do not look sideways or backwards (people pleasing, comparing) or we will lose our footing on the path we are on. The path of right-ness. Proverbs 21:21 "He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honour."

Then I came across this article about codependency and marriage… How the Codependency movement is destroying marriages. I had to read it. It is long but worth it, and I agree with it.
The author, a marriage counsellor, Willard F. Harley, Jr., says "codependency movement is destroying marriages." Do not confuse that with a true codependent-addict relationship/marriage.

There are 10 questions, I answered "yes" to all, to determine codependency in a marriage. Like the author says, it is not bad or wrong to put other's needs before our own, to help people, etc. BUT, what I think is missing from everything I've read about love and marriage is the importance of understanding our reason for doing these things. Ask ourself Is it benefitting the other person and myself? Is it mothering or smothering or controlling in any way? If it hinders the other person's or our own spiritual, mental, emotional or physical health in any way then it is not good or right.

1. If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should do it. Yes. I did everything I was asked or told and then some. I could not say No. That got me into a load of hurt and I became a bitter enabler and co-addict, and kept my spouse from healing and growing - take responsibility, make healthy choices, own mistakes. Today, if someone expects me to do something, I gladly will IF I choose to, after some thought, if it is something they can't do for themselves or I know it will be appreciated. A healthy response is not, I should do it, but I want to do it.
2. I should not be irritable or unpleasant. Yes, because when I was, my spouse left and found comfort in other things/people. I tried to be the perfect wife just so he'd want to stay. Does that sound healthy? I am really a very patient, pleasant, calm person…so if I am not, you should be asking yourself what you did to me ;) We all get irritable and unpleasant at times and it is our responsibility to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. I'm all about overall good health if you haven't noticed.
3. I shouldn't do anything to make others angry at me. Yes. Duh. I don't want anyone to be upset with me! This is people pleasing. The thing about people pleasing is that everyone has different sets of values, beliefs and morals. So when we express ourselves, we're bound to upset someone who disagrees with us. It is inevitable. This is the key: DO NOT compromise your values, beliefs and morals to please someone else, no matter who they are, not even your spouse! I repeat, do not compromise your spiritual, mental, emotional or physical health just to please your spouse. It will destroy you. I know this from experience.
4. I should keep people I love happy. Yes. Kind of the same thing as #3 right? kind of, but here's the difference: I don't have to compromise my values, beliefs and morals in trying to keep someone happy but I may still destroy myself in the process. Trying to keep someone happy who depends on other people and things (addictions) to bring them happiness sucks the life out of you. We are each responsible for our own happiness. My happiness sometimes overflows and I love to share it, but when it is not received by someone I'm trying to make happy, I don't need to feel like a failure. God commands us to LOVE others, He didn't say make others happy.
5. It's usually my fault if someone I care about is upset with me. Yes. Because I was told that for twenty plus years. I'm not good enough, I'm too good. I have mental issues, I don't love enough. I'm too fat, I'm too skinny. I'm crazy, I'm a joke, I'm a (enter every bad word girls are called) and a horrible, lying, self-righteous hypocrite. It was my fault when he gambled, when he went to the bar to "escape me" and when he needed someone else to meet his emotional needs. I know it was partially my fault. I was not a healthy influence, as much as I tried to be. I reacted a lot. I said just as horrible things to him. I said marrying him was a mistake. I'd love to take all of those words back and I've tried to apologize and tell him what I really believe. A little over a year ago, December 2014, I was in recovery. I did the 12 steps and I was learning to be a healthy individual. My behavior was changing. But guess what? He was still upset with me. In fact, he became worse.
6. I obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems. Yes! I love helping people!! I want to fix everyone!!! And I feel better when I do!!!! This leads to burn out and feeling like a failure when we can't solve their problems. Some people aren't ready to be helped, they want the attention and take advantage of the giver. That is not our fault. God created us to love and help each other. But watch out for people who do not want to be helped, or worse, who think they don't need any help.
7. I tend to overextend myself in taking care of others. Yes. It's exhausting. Especially when my spouse expects me to do everything for him (see #1) and I have 3 kids to take care of and I want to help everyone else I know! Guess who I forgot to take care of? ME. I don't think taking care of myself is selfish, I used to, but this one rule finally sunk in - I need to put the oxygen mask on myself before helping others put theirs on. If I don't I can't help as many people as I want to and I will stop breathing. And we all suffer. Taking care of me enables me to successfully take care of the people that God wants me to take care of. And it becomes energizing!
8. If necessary, I put my own values or needs aside in order to preserve my relationship with my spouse. Yes. If you read my answers to the questions above, you already know I did this. And not in a healthy way or context. It caused shame. Such an ugly thing, shame. In a healthy relationship, sometimes it is necessary to put our own needs on the back burner when our spouse is hurting, struggling and has needs we can lovingly focus on to restore them and in turn our relationship grows stronger. That's the beauty of real love. When we give, God makes sure we receive. Give lovingly, not selfishly.
9. I have a hard time receiving things from others. Yes. I received things from my spouse, because of manipulation - I manipulated, he manipulated, it doesn't matter who did it anymore, manipulation is not healthy. The giving and receiving was not done in real love. It meant I was expected to give him something in return. It meant erase everything in the past without apologies, repentance, forgiveness and change. I have a hard time receiving things from others because I feel like I owe them. Two years ago when I was at rock bottom, though, I received everything I needed from a lot of people. I know they gave because they truly care, not because they want anything from me. I will always be grateful. When I got healthier I started paying it forward, not because I felt like I had to, because I want to.
10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what I say or do. Yes. and Yes. This one reminds me of a story I wanted to share, I guess it's time to share it. A story about smoking marijuana. June 2014 my spouse and I travelled to Brazil for World Cup and stayed with one of our exchange student's families. They smoke, a lot. So my spouse and I talked about trying it for the first time while we were on vacation. My brother, who lives in Estacada, smokes it for medicinal reasons. So one time I was out there, before our big trip, I decided it would be a good idea to try it for the first time with my family around instead of strangers. I took two puffs.
Glennon Doyle Melton says in her book, Carry On Warrior, "the point of being high is to stop acting and just enjoy yourself"…but for someone like me, who always acted - my life was an act, I wanted everyone to believe my life and my marriage was good and I especially wanted my spouse to believe that I think my life and my marriage was good - not acting anymore exposed a deep-rooted fear. I panicked. I thought I was going to die, and if I didn't die here my spouse would find out what I did as soon as I got home and his reaction would be worse than me dying here. I was scared to die and scared of not dying. After I got my mind right again, I realized a horrible truth - I was scared of my spouse. During my panic I googled pot/anxiety. Come to find out 2 out of 10 people have this kind of reaction to smoking marijuana. Good to know, I won't ever smoke again, but that didn't relieve any of the panic I was experiencing at the time. During it, I texted my spouse, "I'm so sorry. I love you," in case I did die. I took a shower and scrubbed my skin raw and put on new clothes, hoping there would be no trace of the smell when I got home. I didn't die and it wore off pretty quickly, although it felt like forever.

After starting recovery I learned to emotionally detach. I gained confidence to stand up for myself and say no when it was necessary. And like I said, my spouse's behavior got worse. I asked my spouse to leave our home February 21st, 2015. I realized the deep-rooted fear was still there, despite all the progress I made in recovery and therapy. For almost a month after he left, my heart started racing every time I heard a car coming down our street, we live near a dead end. I was still scared of my spouse.
Emotions, like fear, affect our physical health, as well as our spiritual and mental health. They are all connected. They make up the total of who we are. When one suffers, the others suffer. When one is not healthy, examine the others, because chances are they are unhealthy too, and somewhere in us is a deep-rooted issue that is affecting our overall health.
It took me a few months to destroy that particular fear. Do you know what kills fear? Love!

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13