Valentine's Day

This year I am celebrating the holiday BIG time!

I do not like this holiday. 

I do not have any good memories of it.

I pretended it didn't matter when I didn't get anything.

I laughed and agreed that "valentine's day is for people dating and we prefer to get each other gifts when we are not expected to." yah, right.

BOYS: GET YOUR GIRL SOMETHING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY!

Every girl wants something on Valentine's day!

This year I got myself my favorite flower and I got the kids' favorite valentine chocolates. I got Isaac's favorite gift, stuffed animals, Brianna's favorite desert, brownies, the kids' favorite food, pizza. And that was on Friday. More is coming today when they get home from dad's!

We are celebrating big time this year!

because the past years sucked.

Valentine's 2014 was the most memorable. 

Three months after my "awakening", after three months of confusion, pain and anxiety which turned me into a skeleton. I lost 35lb too fast. I couldn't do a dang thing about it. The lying, excuses, mocking, threatening and all the hurtful evidence I continued to find… then ignoring me completely for two weeks... kept me in a state of constant panic. My anti-anxiety medication did not work. I could not keep food down and I could not stop pacing, all day and all night. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe.

Needless to say, my family and friends, especially my coworkers, could see I was in a crisis. A do-or-die crisis. I needed help.

The first counsellor I met with, on recommendation from a good friend, was on February 13th, 2014. I learned I knew nothing about what I was dealing with. For 18 years I thought I was supposed to submit to my husband, always, no matter what, but that instruction is given alongside the instruction "Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church" Ephesians 5:25. My submission did not respect myself or God. The Bible talks about addictions and abuse but the brief explanations I never put two and two together and no one taught me about this stuff before.
Key points I learned at this meeting: Every word out of an addict (in denial) is a lie. Sexual addiction (or as I prefer to call it, "lust addiction") often leads to other addictions because it is one that can never be fully satisfied. An addict shifts all blame to others, mostly their spouse. I need to set Boundaries. What are boundaries?! I've never heard that word before! Well, for starters, they are what I need from my spouse in order to protect my well being and restore our marriage. 1. counselling for addictive behavior. 2. consistency in changed behavior over time. 3. Honesty, openness, willingness to show me his phone and computer. 4. Stop belittling and blaming me. (Basic Boundaries: don't harm yourself, don't harm others and don't let others harm you)

I left the meeting with these instructions: Take a strong stand. State my boundaries and request a separation while he addresses and works on these boundaries so he knows I'm serious.

So I left a letter on Friday before he got home from work. It was Valentine's day.

"the kids and I are staying at my parent's house this weekend. You need to be out of the house by Sunday afternoon. These are things you have said to me: 'I want no one' 'leave me alone' 'it's been over for a few years anyways.' It hurts me you feel this way about me and our marriage and it is at the point now I need to let you make the choice…if you want what I want, a healthy stronger marriage, or…I love you and care about you and hope and pray we will both heal and grow as individuals so we can come together to heal and grow as a couple. This will require counselling for both of us individually before we can go to marriage counselling. I am seeing my counsellor and on meds for my depression. I am also seeing a Christian counsellor that specializes in marriage crises. PLEASE consider going to a counsellor for the issues that continue to destroy me. I ask that during this time apart we both go to counselling…I trust God to work all things out. I love you always and forever. your wife."

Reading it now, I can see why this didn't go as I hoped. I didn't specify the issues that were hurting me that I needed to see change. I didn't set an ultimatum. But I didn't really understand what I was doing still.

It was a hard weekend for me. He freaked out, of course, posted stuff on social media, tried to get a hold of me constantly. I wanted to talk to him but I had been advised that isn't a good idea so my dad talked with him. That didn't go over well. 

We met Sunday afternoon with our dads present. Nothing was resolved. He said he had plans to take me to a hotel that night and I jumped at the opportunity to spend alone time with him. I missed him and I thought he planned this short vaca for us because he does care about me and love me and wants to be with me. oops, I forgot, addicts lie! Found out the next day it was a business trip for him. I was also told I was getting too skinny, what's wrong with you?  Really?! you haven't been paying attention to me or anything I've been saying the last three months?!

That was my first failed attempt to stick to my boundaries and demand change. I had many failed attempts and gave him many chances, but God was working on me during it all because I needed to grow… I learned all I could about addictions, verbal abuse, psychology, narcissism, and saw many different counsellors and psychiatrists and therapists and joined recovery groups for myself. I'm still learning and growing, that's what this life is for.

I don't remember Valentines 2015. I'm sure we did not celebrate. Our text convo the night before went like this…

spouse: what support group do you have going tonight?

me: I don't on Friday! Wanna go out?

spouse: I don't. It's Friday! LOL

me: You don't wanna go out?

spouse: I'm good. You can take your support groups out.

me: That is mean.

So this year, Valentines 2016, I am celebrating BIG and sending everyone Lots of Love! You are special and you are loved!
"In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

I Love You!