John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
So… in this world we will have trouble, huh? We are in this world, there is no other world we can live in. And trouble is like problems is like drama is like heartaches is like uncomfortable situations. Therefore, in our life we will experience drama… and so much more.
The test of maturity is not in avoiding drama and problems. It is in how we react and grow during the hard times and circumstances, the drama and problems.
I had a boyfriend. That is so weird to say at age 37! And there really is a good explanation but this post is not about defending or explaining my decision. Although I need to explain a little…
February 20th I signed up on eHarmony. Online dating site, what was I thinking?! I needed a distraction from the awful texts and emails I was receiving. I have no problem with online dating, it does work for some people, but I didn't want to be one of those people, just not my style. So I signed up, I was that desperate for a distraction.
I found a match. Actually they find matches for you, but I mean one of those matches I really connected with. By day 3 we were texting and talking on the phone. It was fun!
And the really good thing was he lived 9 hours away. Long distance relationships are great for getting to know someone before meeting them. We had a lot in common and connected spiritually, mentally and emotionally. After 2 weeks we met. No fireworks but it was good. I enlisted my best friend to be with me and do an interrogation before giving me permission to go out with him ;)
At the end of week 4, we had our first conflict. I knew he did not want any drama, I surely didn't either, but I didn't realize he meant so much more than an emotionally healthy approach to conflicts.
I was accused of being too much drama and then I was dumped. Ouch. I think what was most upsetting is he got to dump me before I could tell him what I thought was really wrong about his accusations and if he couldn't work through this then it would be best if we went our separate ways. Didn't get that chance. I got dumped.
I had a good cry that night and felt a lot better the next day. And then I started analyzing the relationship. I know it its a learning and growing opportunity.
My Uncle Joe had given me a book a few months ago, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. I had just started reading it and learned about the different types of marriage styles for "resolving conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship," "the key to a lasting marriage is the ability to resolve conflicts." The three styles are:
1. Avoidance - problem minimizers who make light of any differences rather than resolving them.
2. Validators - in the midst of disagreement they let their partner know they consider their opinions and emotions valid, even if they don't agree with them.
3. Volatile - both partners have little interest in hearing each other's point of view in the heat of an argument - and I do mean heat!
Now, about my relationship. This guy is a great guy and will be a good catch for the right girl. There were a couple things I learned from my first ever relationship after being with only one guy my whole life, that I will not do or tolerate the next time, but overall he was a great guy. There was just one BIG problem that would never work for me. He is an Avoider!
According to the book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, an avoidance relationship can actually work for some couples. It just does not work for me. At all. I NEED to address any conflict or disagreement. I NEED to talk it out. I don't need to come to an agreement and I don't get angry. I have to talk it out so I can understand both sides - I talk, I listen, I analyze and I love compromise.
I am a Validator. I can also do Volatile successfully with the right person. But I can NOT do Avoidance. Imagine me avoiding everything and stuffing all my feelings and frustrations… someday it won't take much for the bomb inside me to ignite and hopefully everyone is out of range when I explode!!!
Happy Relationships to everyone! :)
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