Divorce is hard

My divorce is almost final. The papers were signed and sent to court for filing. It took One Year and Two Months... This time… this was my second attempt.

God doesn't like divorce, I know. "The two shall become one… what God has joined let no man separate…"  my Lord also says, "But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so… God has called you to peace. For how do you know whether you will save your spouse?" 1 Cor. 7:15-16  "anyone who divorces…except for sexual immorality…" Matt 5:32. Two reasons for divorce mentioned in the Bible: abandonment and infidelity. When I learned of my husband's unfaithfulness, all the other problems came to the surface and I knew it was time. 18 years of...

Living with a narcissist means living with verbal and emotional abuse, brainwashing and passive aggressive behavior, such as manipulation and control.
A narcissist… Lies. Intimidates. Devalues. Discounts. Charms. Competes. Isolates. Taunts. Blames. Begs. Withholds. Projects. Gaslights. Lures. Betrays… to name a few of the things I lived with the last twenty years.

February 2014. an object

A narcissist does not let their partner leave them. They need the "perfect" status, the undivided attention and the feeling of superiority and power-over. Their partner is their object to control, their possession. And It takes a lot of self-love, self-control and courage to truly break free.

My first attempt was a hard, frightful time. The Year 2014… The bad year...

My daughter happens to be sitting next to me listening to a song, Gasoline… now several Halsey songs later I'm there. Back in the scary memories.

"There's no use crying about it." - Castle by Halsey

Control by Halsey:

July 30, 2014… middle of night 

"I sat (with my 3 kids) in bed 'til the morning.
I'm crying, "(He's) coming for me"
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind's like a deadly disease (mental anguish)

I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones

And all (my) kids cried out,

"Please stop, you're scaring me"

but I can't help this awful energy

…..

Who is in control?"

I yelled to heaven, "WHY?!" God said, Trust me.
I cried "How can I go on?" God said, Trust me.
I prayed, "When?" God said, Trust me. Walk in faith.

I tried to do it my way, my time.
I didn't know what I was doing.

July 30, 2014 my dear sister served him the papers. I was too scared to do it myself. He came to the  soccer camp I was coaching at with our kids. He put on a show like we were a happy family, then he whispered to me… reminded me the kids had to come home because of the Status Quo included in the paperwork. I couldn't take the kids to my parents or sisters house this night.

When I got home with the kids, he was already drinking. He made us stay downstairs, by his room, so he could "talk" to me. He wanted to "reason" with me.

Isaac, age 6, fell asleep. Dom, 13, stayed by my side the whole night. Bri, 11, clung to me. We huddled on the couch together.

He went to his room, to have another shot of liquor, then came out to the family room to "reason" with me (the kids' memory of that year is lots of yelling) then he went back to his room… repeat… repeat… repeat…

He told us he had every right to drink because I served him divorce papers! I was too scared to say anything. But I knew there is NO excuse for that behavior. And my actions do not justify his actions. Just like my choice to divorce does not need any justification. It is my choice, for me, and I don't need to defend Myself.

Late in the middle of the night he came out of his room holding his rifle. Dom and Bri were still awake on either side of me. They started crying. And shaking. I held them.

He told the kids the rifle is for him because there is no reason to go on if their mom didn't want him. Should they have said or even thought, oh ok that's alright, carry on?!… HELL NO!! They looked at me, pleading with their eyes for me to do something. Anything. They were scared. I was scared.

When he stepped outside I quickly locked all the doors and hid his rifle. While I was doing that he broke in the door downstairs and went to his room. He was preoccupied with getting a drink so I scooped up Isaac and Bri in my arms and Dom led us upstairs to Bri's room. There is a lock on her door.

He came upstairs and yelled at me through the door, then went downstairs… repeat… repeat… repeat…

 Dom and Bri finally fell asleep. I sat up all night. Listening, watching, praying.

Yes, I should have called the cops. But I loved him and I was a co-dependent. I couldn't do it. All I knew at that time, what I did my whole marriage, was to wait it out. We will all be ok in the morning. I had to believe that.

The next morning he went to work before the kids and I got up. He came home at lunchtime and told the kids he went to the doctor that morning and he was better now. No apology. No remorse. A lie.

*Suicide to a narcissist is an aggressive act of abuse to everyone involved. His thinking is not, "I can't go on because my wife doesn't want me." No, his thinking is, "If I can't have her then I will hurt her as much as possible." And in that moment, he thought if he killed himself in front of the kids, they would blame their mother and hate me and that would hurt me more than he could hurt me himself. Imploding. The other option is Exploding. When the verbal and emotional abuse doesn't work anymore, then move to physical abuse.

It did not get easier. Of course it got worse. Much worse.

It took only a month to break me down and convince me to cancel the divorce. In the next couple of months after I promised not to divorce him I joined group meetings, more therapy, started going to a specialist counsellor and read lots of books. To get healthier mentally and emotionally.

February 21, 2015 I felt threatened, for myself and the kids. I told him I wouldn't put up with it anymore and I will call the cops if he didn't stop. He called me crazy. Then he left. I didn't let him come back.

June 2015 I talked to the kids about divorce. The temporary hearing was coming up in July and I wanted them to know what was happening. Dom told me "don't stop it this time mom. I know God doesn't like divorce but He wants you to be loved… I think love is more important"

People ask me how or why Dom doesn't have a relationship with his dad. There are lots of little reasons, but there is one I recently learned about… A narcissist parent often plays favorites with their kids and favors the one they can vicariously live through, the one that makes them look the best. Social status and praise is very important to a narcissist. Of course his favorite is Brianna. How many times have we heard, "You're such a good soccer player B… you take after your dad… he must be very proud of you…" Yes it's pride, but not pride in his daughter, it's pride in himself.

Looking back through my journals I came across an entry from 2014, the bad year… "I asked Dom, you love Papa right? He said Yes, but he yells a lot and he yells at you more. That's why I stay in my room." Yet, he still loves. Of that I am most proud, that my kids know how to love despite the pain and the problems. To love like Christ loves us.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6