Single mom life is no joke. I burnt out. Was forced to take some time off everything because my mind literally shut down. Now recovering, I'm getting back into this thing we call life. Starting over.
I learned from my breakdown sleep is really important, 1 job is better than 3 and you can get back what you lose.
May life treat you well and enjoy time with family. We only get this life once.
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
About Grief
Grief has 5 to 7 stages and several emotions in each stage. Depending on which book or online material you read.
For me the stages are:
Shock/Denial,
Anger/Anxiety,
Hysterical/Dialogue,
Depression/Rock Bottom,
Acceptance/Empowerment.
I've been through the grief process many times in the last two years, since my 'big grief', it's getting easier to identify it and let myself feel all the emotions. All gazillion of them. Sometimes I can process them all in just one day.
My 'Big Grief' took 9 months. I didn't know I was "grieving".
November 2013-July 2014. I knew life as I'd known it and dreamt it was never to be the same again. It took me awhile to realize it as a loss, that I was grieving the death of the "perfect marriage" I always wanted.
Shock/Denial stage actually started November 2012, I found out my husband was seeing a young girl, so the whole process I guess was 1 year 9 months.
It's easy to forget or discount the denial stage because the emotions experienced during that stage don't feel like emotions: numbness and confusion, with a hint of fear.
I knew the girl, they were "friends" for several years. There had been previous incidents I ignored because I was living in denial to avoid the pain of an abusive relationship.
My husband "had" to tell me, three weeks after it happened, because they found out she had herpes and he was sorry he might have herpes. An apology for possible herpes. I didn't care about the herpes. (I don't have it and I won't say that word again!)
I needed an apology for betrayal. But I didn't get an apology for betrayal because it was my fault. He blames me and alcohol. No apology. Just blame.
How was it my fault? I wasn't a good enough wife, I didn't love him enough, I nagged him, I'm a horrible cook, etc, which forced him to go to bars after work and drink. He just happened to be drinking too much that night and just happened to run into her at the same bar… Yes, that was all my fault.
I have forgiven and moved on. This is just part of my story now. I am thankful it happened because in time it jolted me out of denial. It made me do something...
But for a year I was completely numb.
Anger/Anxiety stage exploded out of me November 2013, I found out they were still communicating. I had a gut feeling to check and I continued to find more evidence, pictures, receipts, etc. I became a professional detective. Always wanted to be an undercover detective!
Gut-wrenching fear, heart shattering pain, uncontrollable anger and an anxiety several xanax at a time could not calm. Within two months I'd lost too much weight. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down when I tried, couldn't sleep, sometimes I couldn't breathe. I carried a paper bag around with me. It really works.
The anxiety was intensified by the mind games my husband and his "girl_space_friend" were playing with me, doing and saying things and posting pictures on purpose to make me think I was crazy and then discount everything I found, lies and excuses. But this crazy mom managed to continue to work and take care of our kids and house. I poured my heart out to God and leaned on Him for strength. I couldn't stand on my own. He had to carry me during this time.
Hysterical/Dialogue should come after depression, thats what the books say, but for me it comes after the anxiety. I think every grief process is different, just like every person is different.
February 2014, I was beyond hysterical and desperate. I knew I could not continue in the state I was in so I asked friends and family for help.
I shared my story. Dialogue.
This is a key part of getting through a grief process: share your story with people you can trust to love and accept and help you.
A good friend referred me to a crisis counsellor who recognized I was married to an addict who verbally and emotionally abused me. I couldn't stay in denial about that anymore.
She recommended a separation/ultimatum. That was Valentines weekend, 2014. Friday I left a letter, took the kids and stayed with my parents. Sunday evening I returned to talk, with our fathers present, and I fell for his bs again. "I had plans to take you to a hotel… I've missed you… I will do anything…"
I love get-aways to hotels so, to my parent's dismay, I went with him. Turns out it was a business trip so he was going anyways, it wasn't planned for me or our marriage. Also turns out he hadn't noticed the physical ramifications of the pain I was suffering the last two months. "You're getting too skinny… are you anorexic again… your hair is looking thin…" (no da it's my outside finally reflecting how much my inside is dying)
After that weekend I hysterically (I really like that word) did everything he wanted. I was willing to do anything to win him back and save our marriage. It's called bargaining. Bargaining is a part of the grief process. If I do this, maybe this will happen…
Depression has always been a struggle for me, it's in my genes, so throughout the denial, anxiety and hysteria I also felt sadness, low self-esteem and helplessness. I had so much shame built up. Shame is like guilt gone unchecked, it becomes you. It defines you. I believed I was not good enough and everything was my fault. I carried in me a fear and pain that consumed my thoughts and squeezed my heart. Those are the emotions of depression. What it feels like is trying to swim upstream, in a strong current, alone, and either sinking from exhaustion or hitting a rock every once in awhile, then fighting to resurface and continue swimming, upstream, exhausted, hurt, alone.
"Lord, I'm drowning in a sea of perplexity. Waves of confusion crash over me.
I'm too weak to shout for help. Either quiet the waves or lift me above them -
It's too late to learn to swim."
When I hit the Depression stage of grief I fell fast and far. It was all dark and blurry. Going to strip clubs was not helping our marriage and caused more shame.
The Pain was so great I took a stab at cutting myself. For the first time in my life. I found that Cutting relieved the pain I felt inside. Cutting relieves pressure from the inside to the outside. But it is a temporary fix. I do not recommend it. (I just learned that holding an ice cube in your palm has the same effect!)
I chose to cut my wrists. But not deep enough to bleed a lot and I used scar cream to speed up healing and minimize scarring, because it wasn't something I wanted anyone to know about. Just another thing my husband could accuse me of and call me crazy for. So. Much. Shame.
May 6th 2014, my 36th birthday, was my Rock Bottom.
I hit many rocks I thought were bottom before that night. I'm sure my friends and family thought, as did I, April 4th was rock bottom. I had to leave work because I couldn't move anymore. I couldn't function anymore. I couldn't talk. I had my husband take me to a good friend for help. She set me up with Providence behavioral health outpatient therapy starting Monday, April 7th. She told Tyler I needed to be alone at a hotel over the weekend and do nothing but sleep. Unfortunately I was like a rag doll and willingly went to strip clubs all weekend, with little sleep, because I was (hysterically) still doing whatever he wanted, hoping it would help our marriage. It sucked more life out of me.
Somewhere deep down I still had a spark of life. God was holding my heart together.
I went to therapy for four days. I met with a psychiatrist who prescribed medication. I went back to work the next week. I thought I was on the up.
But shame still consumed me. I continued to find evidence he was still doing things with her. They were still playing mind games with me to bring me down. They succeeded.
My birthday, May 6th, I got to choose where we went. Weak, codependent me chose somewhere I knew he wanted to go, so we could watch the Blazer game, eat and drink. (not something I enjoyed doing with my husband)
On the way there we stopped at the car dealership because he wanted to buy a new car for himself. After the game and some drinks, we went to a strip club, because he suggested it and I did not have the strength to say no. I didn't care. I was past caring anymore. I had lost all hope. But going to a strip club with someone you love and desperately trying to win his love, it kills a part of your heart to watch him watch other girls. That night it killed me… it was too much for my heart. It was my birthday for goodness sake! I fully believed I would never be enough to be loved. I went home and tried to take my life.
This cut was an intentional attempt to open major veins, from the wrist down to the inner part of my elbow, where I donate blood. I knew it would be hard to stop the blood flow this way. It was deep, but not deep enough. I missed the Median-cubital vein. I felt like a failure.
I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I woke up with a new purpose.
Acceptance/Empowerment comes when there is no where else to go but up. I had to get up to get my kids ready for school. I had to get up to go to work. I had to get up. You know you've hit rock bottom when the only option is up. I got up because I know that I know that I know I AM LOVED and I do not want to hurt those who love me. God loves me, my kids love me, my parents love me, lots of family and friends love me. I can do this because I believe their love. One person's love, or lack of, was not going to bring me down again, at least not that far down again.
Love changes people. I found purpose in my life, accepted myself and all my weaknesses and scars and determined to make it right. It might not be what I had hoped for, it might not be better. In fact, it will be messy for awhile but I had faith it would be ok. Yes God, I trust you with my life. And because of your love I am brave, I am confident, I am alive.
The scar, literally wearing my emotions on my sleeves, exposed some truths. An image of perfection was more important to my husband than my feelings. He was mad I could not wear my summer clothes because people would see the big scar. But I wore my summer clothes. It didn't bother me because I wasn't living in denial anymore. I let go of my shame. No shame is a free life. My dad, a retired pastor, told me he doesn't like to recommend divorce, but he feared staying in my marriage would kill me.
In June 2014 I went to a lawyer to file for a divorce. I could not follow through with it, that time, but it was a step in the right direction. It empowered me and gave me a sense of security, hope and strength.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13
For me the stages are:
Shock/Denial,
Anger/Anxiety,
Hysterical/Dialogue,
Depression/Rock Bottom,
Acceptance/Empowerment.
I've been through the grief process many times in the last two years, since my 'big grief', it's getting easier to identify it and let myself feel all the emotions. All gazillion of them. Sometimes I can process them all in just one day.
My 'Big Grief' took 9 months. I didn't know I was "grieving".
November 2013-July 2014. I knew life as I'd known it and dreamt it was never to be the same again. It took me awhile to realize it as a loss, that I was grieving the death of the "perfect marriage" I always wanted.
Shock/Denial stage actually started November 2012, I found out my husband was seeing a young girl, so the whole process I guess was 1 year 9 months.
It's easy to forget or discount the denial stage because the emotions experienced during that stage don't feel like emotions: numbness and confusion, with a hint of fear.
I knew the girl, they were "friends" for several years. There had been previous incidents I ignored because I was living in denial to avoid the pain of an abusive relationship.
My husband "had" to tell me, three weeks after it happened, because they found out she had herpes and he was sorry he might have herpes. An apology for possible herpes. I didn't care about the herpes. (I don't have it and I won't say that word again!)
I needed an apology for betrayal. But I didn't get an apology for betrayal because it was my fault. He blames me and alcohol. No apology. Just blame.
How was it my fault? I wasn't a good enough wife, I didn't love him enough, I nagged him, I'm a horrible cook, etc, which forced him to go to bars after work and drink. He just happened to be drinking too much that night and just happened to run into her at the same bar… Yes, that was all my fault.
I have forgiven and moved on. This is just part of my story now. I am thankful it happened because in time it jolted me out of denial. It made me do something...
But for a year I was completely numb.
Anger/Anxiety stage exploded out of me November 2013, I found out they were still communicating. I had a gut feeling to check and I continued to find more evidence, pictures, receipts, etc. I became a professional detective. Always wanted to be an undercover detective!
Gut-wrenching fear, heart shattering pain, uncontrollable anger and an anxiety several xanax at a time could not calm. Within two months I'd lost too much weight. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down when I tried, couldn't sleep, sometimes I couldn't breathe. I carried a paper bag around with me. It really works.
The anxiety was intensified by the mind games my husband and his "girl_space_friend" were playing with me, doing and saying things and posting pictures on purpose to make me think I was crazy and then discount everything I found, lies and excuses. But this crazy mom managed to continue to work and take care of our kids and house. I poured my heart out to God and leaned on Him for strength. I couldn't stand on my own. He had to carry me during this time.
Hysterical/Dialogue should come after depression, thats what the books say, but for me it comes after the anxiety. I think every grief process is different, just like every person is different.
February 2014, I was beyond hysterical and desperate. I knew I could not continue in the state I was in so I asked friends and family for help.
I shared my story. Dialogue.
This is a key part of getting through a grief process: share your story with people you can trust to love and accept and help you.
A good friend referred me to a crisis counsellor who recognized I was married to an addict who verbally and emotionally abused me. I couldn't stay in denial about that anymore.
She recommended a separation/ultimatum. That was Valentines weekend, 2014. Friday I left a letter, took the kids and stayed with my parents. Sunday evening I returned to talk, with our fathers present, and I fell for his bs again. "I had plans to take you to a hotel… I've missed you… I will do anything…"
I love get-aways to hotels so, to my parent's dismay, I went with him. Turns out it was a business trip so he was going anyways, it wasn't planned for me or our marriage. Also turns out he hadn't noticed the physical ramifications of the pain I was suffering the last two months. "You're getting too skinny… are you anorexic again… your hair is looking thin…" (no da it's my outside finally reflecting how much my inside is dying)
After that weekend I hysterically (I really like that word) did everything he wanted. I was willing to do anything to win him back and save our marriage. It's called bargaining. Bargaining is a part of the grief process. If I do this, maybe this will happen…
Depression has always been a struggle for me, it's in my genes, so throughout the denial, anxiety and hysteria I also felt sadness, low self-esteem and helplessness. I had so much shame built up. Shame is like guilt gone unchecked, it becomes you. It defines you. I believed I was not good enough and everything was my fault. I carried in me a fear and pain that consumed my thoughts and squeezed my heart. Those are the emotions of depression. What it feels like is trying to swim upstream, in a strong current, alone, and either sinking from exhaustion or hitting a rock every once in awhile, then fighting to resurface and continue swimming, upstream, exhausted, hurt, alone.
"Lord, I'm drowning in a sea of perplexity. Waves of confusion crash over me.
I'm too weak to shout for help. Either quiet the waves or lift me above them -
It's too late to learn to swim."
When I hit the Depression stage of grief I fell fast and far. It was all dark and blurry. Going to strip clubs was not helping our marriage and caused more shame.
The Pain was so great I took a stab at cutting myself. For the first time in my life. I found that Cutting relieved the pain I felt inside. Cutting relieves pressure from the inside to the outside. But it is a temporary fix. I do not recommend it. (I just learned that holding an ice cube in your palm has the same effect!)
I chose to cut my wrists. But not deep enough to bleed a lot and I used scar cream to speed up healing and minimize scarring, because it wasn't something I wanted anyone to know about. Just another thing my husband could accuse me of and call me crazy for. So. Much. Shame.
May 6th 2014, my 36th birthday, was my Rock Bottom.
I hit many rocks I thought were bottom before that night. I'm sure my friends and family thought, as did I, April 4th was rock bottom. I had to leave work because I couldn't move anymore. I couldn't function anymore. I couldn't talk. I had my husband take me to a good friend for help. She set me up with Providence behavioral health outpatient therapy starting Monday, April 7th. She told Tyler I needed to be alone at a hotel over the weekend and do nothing but sleep. Unfortunately I was like a rag doll and willingly went to strip clubs all weekend, with little sleep, because I was (hysterically) still doing whatever he wanted, hoping it would help our marriage. It sucked more life out of me.
Somewhere deep down I still had a spark of life. God was holding my heart together.
I went to therapy for four days. I met with a psychiatrist who prescribed medication. I went back to work the next week. I thought I was on the up.
But shame still consumed me. I continued to find evidence he was still doing things with her. They were still playing mind games with me to bring me down. They succeeded.
My birthday, May 6th, I got to choose where we went. Weak, codependent me chose somewhere I knew he wanted to go, so we could watch the Blazer game, eat and drink. (not something I enjoyed doing with my husband)
On the way there we stopped at the car dealership because he wanted to buy a new car for himself. After the game and some drinks, we went to a strip club, because he suggested it and I did not have the strength to say no. I didn't care. I was past caring anymore. I had lost all hope. But going to a strip club with someone you love and desperately trying to win his love, it kills a part of your heart to watch him watch other girls. That night it killed me… it was too much for my heart. It was my birthday for goodness sake! I fully believed I would never be enough to be loved. I went home and tried to take my life.
 |
| what it looks like now: the remaining scar, after lots of scar cream, is visible between the two needle punctures in this picture- a day last summer I gave blood and had my tb test done for school. |
I cried myself to sleep.
The next day I woke up with a new purpose.
Acceptance/Empowerment comes when there is no where else to go but up. I had to get up to get my kids ready for school. I had to get up to go to work. I had to get up. You know you've hit rock bottom when the only option is up. I got up because I know that I know that I know I AM LOVED and I do not want to hurt those who love me. God loves me, my kids love me, my parents love me, lots of family and friends love me. I can do this because I believe their love. One person's love, or lack of, was not going to bring me down again, at least not that far down again.
Love changes people. I found purpose in my life, accepted myself and all my weaknesses and scars and determined to make it right. It might not be what I had hoped for, it might not be better. In fact, it will be messy for awhile but I had faith it would be ok. Yes God, I trust you with my life. And because of your love I am brave, I am confident, I am alive.
The scar, literally wearing my emotions on my sleeves, exposed some truths. An image of perfection was more important to my husband than my feelings. He was mad I could not wear my summer clothes because people would see the big scar. But I wore my summer clothes. It didn't bother me because I wasn't living in denial anymore. I let go of my shame. No shame is a free life. My dad, a retired pastor, told me he doesn't like to recommend divorce, but he feared staying in my marriage would kill me.
In June 2014 I went to a lawyer to file for a divorce. I could not follow through with it, that time, but it was a step in the right direction. It empowered me and gave me a sense of security, hope and strength.
The divorce was finalized May, 2016.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Divorce is hard
My divorce is almost final. The papers were signed and sent to court for filing. It took One Year and Two Months... This time… this was my second attempt.
God doesn't like divorce, I know. "The two shall become one… what God has joined let no man separate…" my Lord also says, "But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so… God has called you to peace. For how do you know whether you will save your spouse?" 1 Cor. 7:15-16 "anyone who divorces…except for sexual immorality…" Matt 5:32. Two reasons for divorce mentioned in the Bible: abandonment and infidelity. When I learned of my husband's unfaithfulness, all the other problems came to the surface and I knew it was time. 18 years of...
Living with a narcissist means living with verbal and emotional abuse, brainwashing and passive aggressive behavior, such as manipulation and control.
A narcissist… Lies. Intimidates. Devalues. Discounts. Charms. Competes. Isolates. Taunts. Blames. Begs. Withholds. Projects. Gaslights. Lures. Betrays… to name a few of the things I lived with the last twenty years.
A narcissist does not let their partner leave them. They need the "perfect" status, the undivided attention and the feeling of superiority and power-over. Their partner is their object to control, their possession. And It takes a lot of self-love, self-control and courage to truly break free.
My first attempt was a hard, frightful time. The Year 2014… The bad year...
My daughter happens to be sitting next to me listening to a song, Gasoline… now several Halsey songs later I'm there. Back in the scary memories.
"There's no use crying about it." - Castle by Halsey
Control by Halsey:
"I sat (with my 3 kids) in bed 'til the morning.
I'm crying, "(He's) coming for me"
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind's like a deadly disease (mental anguish)
I cried "How can I go on?" God said, Trust me.
I prayed, "When?" God said, Trust me. Walk in faith.
I tried to do it my way, my time.
I didn't know what I was doing.
July 30, 2014 my dear sister served him the papers. I was too scared to do it myself. He came to the soccer camp I was coaching at with our kids. He put on a show like we were a happy family, then he whispered to me… reminded me the kids had to come home because of the Status Quo included in the paperwork. I couldn't take the kids to my parents or sisters house this night.
When I got home with the kids, he was already drinking. He made us stay downstairs, by his room, so he could "talk" to me. He wanted to "reason" with me.
Isaac, age 6, fell asleep. Dom, 13, stayed by my side the whole night. Bri, 11, clung to me. We huddled on the couch together.
He went to his room, to have another shot of liquor, then came out to the family room to "reason" with me (the kids' memory of that year is lots of yelling) then he went back to his room… repeat… repeat… repeat…
He told us he had every right to drink because I served him divorce papers! I was too scared to say anything. But I knew there is NO excuse for that behavior. And my actions do not justify his actions. Just like my choice to divorce does not need any justification. It is my choice, for me, and I don't need to defend Myself.
Late in the middle of the night he came out of his room holding his rifle. Dom and Bri were still awake on either side of me. They started crying. And shaking. I held them.
He told the kids the rifle is for him because there is no reason to go on if their mom didn't want him. Should they have said or even thought, oh ok that's alright, carry on?!… HELL NO!! They looked at me, pleading with their eyes for me to do something. Anything. They were scared. I was scared.
When he stepped outside I quickly locked all the doors and hid his rifle. While I was doing that he broke in the door downstairs and went to his room. He was preoccupied with getting a drink so I scooped up Isaac and Bri in my arms and Dom led us upstairs to Bri's room. There is a lock on her door.
He came upstairs and yelled at me through the door, then went downstairs… repeat… repeat… repeat…
Dom and Bri finally fell asleep. I sat up all night. Listening, watching, praying.
Yes, I should have called the cops. But I loved him and I was a co-dependent. I couldn't do it. All I knew at that time, what I did my whole marriage, was to wait it out. We will all be ok in the morning. I had to believe that.
The next morning he went to work before the kids and I got up. He came home at lunchtime and told the kids he went to the doctor that morning and he was better now. No apology. No remorse. A lie.
*Suicide to a narcissist is an aggressive act of abuse to everyone involved. His thinking is not, "I can't go on because my wife doesn't want me." No, his thinking is, "If I can't have her then I will hurt her as much as possible." And in that moment, he thought if he killed himself in front of the kids, they would blame their mother and hate me and that would hurt me more than he could hurt me himself. Imploding. The other option is Exploding. When the verbal and emotional abuse doesn't work anymore, then move to physical abuse.
It did not get easier. Of course it got worse. Much worse.
It took only a month to break me down and convince me to cancel the divorce. In the next couple of months after I promised not to divorce him I joined group meetings, more therapy, started going to a specialist counsellor and read lots of books. To get healthier mentally and emotionally.
February 21, 2015 I felt threatened, for myself and the kids. I told him I wouldn't put up with it anymore and I will call the cops if he didn't stop. He called me crazy. Then he left. I didn't let him come back.
June 2015 I talked to the kids about divorce. The temporary hearing was coming up in July and I wanted them to know what was happening. Dom told me "don't stop it this time mom. I know God doesn't like divorce but He wants you to be loved… I think love is more important"
People ask me how or why Dom doesn't have a relationship with his dad. There are lots of little reasons, but there is one I recently learned about… A narcissist parent often plays favorites with their kids and favors the one they can vicariously live through, the one that makes them look the best. Social status and praise is very important to a narcissist. Of course his favorite is Brianna. How many times have we heard, "You're such a good soccer player B… you take after your dad… he must be very proud of you…" Yes it's pride, but not pride in his daughter, it's pride in himself.
Looking back through my journals I came across an entry from 2014, the bad year… "I asked Dom, you love Papa right? He said Yes, but he yells a lot and he yells at you more. That's why I stay in my room." Yet, he still loves. Of that I am most proud, that my kids know how to love despite the pain and the problems. To love like Christ loves us.
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
God doesn't like divorce, I know. "The two shall become one… what God has joined let no man separate…" my Lord also says, "But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so… God has called you to peace. For how do you know whether you will save your spouse?" 1 Cor. 7:15-16 "anyone who divorces…except for sexual immorality…" Matt 5:32. Two reasons for divorce mentioned in the Bible: abandonment and infidelity. When I learned of my husband's unfaithfulness, all the other problems came to the surface and I knew it was time. 18 years of...
Living with a narcissist means living with verbal and emotional abuse, brainwashing and passive aggressive behavior, such as manipulation and control.
A narcissist… Lies. Intimidates. Devalues. Discounts. Charms. Competes. Isolates. Taunts. Blames. Begs. Withholds. Projects. Gaslights. Lures. Betrays… to name a few of the things I lived with the last twenty years.
 |
| February 2014. an object |
My first attempt was a hard, frightful time. The Year 2014… The bad year...
My daughter happens to be sitting next to me listening to a song, Gasoline… now several Halsey songs later I'm there. Back in the scary memories.
"There's no use crying about it." - Castle by Halsey
Control by Halsey:
 |
| July 30, 2014… middle of night |
I'm crying, "(He's) coming for me"
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind's like a deadly disease (mental anguish)
I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones
And all (my) kids cried out,
I yelled to heaven, "WHY?!" God said, Trust me.
"Please stop, you're scaring me"
but I can't help this awful energy
…..
Who is in control?"
I cried "How can I go on?" God said, Trust me.
I prayed, "When?" God said, Trust me. Walk in faith.
I tried to do it my way, my time.
I didn't know what I was doing.
July 30, 2014 my dear sister served him the papers. I was too scared to do it myself. He came to the soccer camp I was coaching at with our kids. He put on a show like we were a happy family, then he whispered to me… reminded me the kids had to come home because of the Status Quo included in the paperwork. I couldn't take the kids to my parents or sisters house this night.
When I got home with the kids, he was already drinking. He made us stay downstairs, by his room, so he could "talk" to me. He wanted to "reason" with me.
Isaac, age 6, fell asleep. Dom, 13, stayed by my side the whole night. Bri, 11, clung to me. We huddled on the couch together.
He went to his room, to have another shot of liquor, then came out to the family room to "reason" with me (the kids' memory of that year is lots of yelling) then he went back to his room… repeat… repeat… repeat…
He told us he had every right to drink because I served him divorce papers! I was too scared to say anything. But I knew there is NO excuse for that behavior. And my actions do not justify his actions. Just like my choice to divorce does not need any justification. It is my choice, for me, and I don't need to defend Myself.
Late in the middle of the night he came out of his room holding his rifle. Dom and Bri were still awake on either side of me. They started crying. And shaking. I held them.
He told the kids the rifle is for him because there is no reason to go on if their mom didn't want him. Should they have said or even thought, oh ok that's alright, carry on?!… HELL NO!! They looked at me, pleading with their eyes for me to do something. Anything. They were scared. I was scared.
When he stepped outside I quickly locked all the doors and hid his rifle. While I was doing that he broke in the door downstairs and went to his room. He was preoccupied with getting a drink so I scooped up Isaac and Bri in my arms and Dom led us upstairs to Bri's room. There is a lock on her door.
He came upstairs and yelled at me through the door, then went downstairs… repeat… repeat… repeat…
Dom and Bri finally fell asleep. I sat up all night. Listening, watching, praying.
Yes, I should have called the cops. But I loved him and I was a co-dependent. I couldn't do it. All I knew at that time, what I did my whole marriage, was to wait it out. We will all be ok in the morning. I had to believe that.
The next morning he went to work before the kids and I got up. He came home at lunchtime and told the kids he went to the doctor that morning and he was better now. No apology. No remorse. A lie.
*Suicide to a narcissist is an aggressive act of abuse to everyone involved. His thinking is not, "I can't go on because my wife doesn't want me." No, his thinking is, "If I can't have her then I will hurt her as much as possible." And in that moment, he thought if he killed himself in front of the kids, they would blame their mother and hate me and that would hurt me more than he could hurt me himself. Imploding. The other option is Exploding. When the verbal and emotional abuse doesn't work anymore, then move to physical abuse.
It did not get easier. Of course it got worse. Much worse.
It took only a month to break me down and convince me to cancel the divorce. In the next couple of months after I promised not to divorce him I joined group meetings, more therapy, started going to a specialist counsellor and read lots of books. To get healthier mentally and emotionally.
February 21, 2015 I felt threatened, for myself and the kids. I told him I wouldn't put up with it anymore and I will call the cops if he didn't stop. He called me crazy. Then he left. I didn't let him come back.
June 2015 I talked to the kids about divorce. The temporary hearing was coming up in July and I wanted them to know what was happening. Dom told me "don't stop it this time mom. I know God doesn't like divorce but He wants you to be loved… I think love is more important"
People ask me how or why Dom doesn't have a relationship with his dad. There are lots of little reasons, but there is one I recently learned about… A narcissist parent often plays favorites with their kids and favors the one they can vicariously live through, the one that makes them look the best. Social status and praise is very important to a narcissist. Of course his favorite is Brianna. How many times have we heard, "You're such a good soccer player B… you take after your dad… he must be very proud of you…" Yes it's pride, but not pride in his daughter, it's pride in himself.
Looking back through my journals I came across an entry from 2014, the bad year… "I asked Dom, you love Papa right? He said Yes, but he yells a lot and he yells at you more. That's why I stay in my room." Yet, he still loves. Of that I am most proud, that my kids know how to love despite the pain and the problems. To love like Christ loves us.
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Saturday, April 2, 2016
In this life you will have drama
John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
So… in this world we will have trouble, huh? We are in this world, there is no other world we can live in. And trouble is like problems is like drama is like heartaches is like uncomfortable situations. Therefore, in our life we will experience drama… and so much more.
The test of maturity is not in avoiding drama and problems. It is in how we react and grow during the hard times and circumstances, the drama and problems.
I had a boyfriend. That is so weird to say at age 37! And there really is a good explanation but this post is not about defending or explaining my decision. Although I need to explain a little…
February 20th I signed up on eHarmony. Online dating site, what was I thinking?! I needed a distraction from the awful texts and emails I was receiving. I have no problem with online dating, it does work for some people, but I didn't want to be one of those people, just not my style. So I signed up, I was that desperate for a distraction.
I found a match. Actually they find matches for you, but I mean one of those matches I really connected with. By day 3 we were texting and talking on the phone. It was fun!
And the really good thing was he lived 9 hours away. Long distance relationships are great for getting to know someone before meeting them. We had a lot in common and connected spiritually, mentally and emotionally. After 2 weeks we met. No fireworks but it was good. I enlisted my best friend to be with me and do an interrogation before giving me permission to go out with him ;)
At the end of week 4, we had our first conflict. I knew he did not want any drama, I surely didn't either, but I didn't realize he meant so much more than an emotionally healthy approach to conflicts.
I was accused of being too much drama and then I was dumped. Ouch. I think what was most upsetting is he got to dump me before I could tell him what I thought was really wrong about his accusations and if he couldn't work through this then it would be best if we went our separate ways. Didn't get that chance. I got dumped.
I had a good cry that night and felt a lot better the next day. And then I started analyzing the relationship. I know it its a learning and growing opportunity.
My Uncle Joe had given me a book a few months ago, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. I had just started reading it and learned about the different types of marriage styles for "resolving conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship," "the key to a lasting marriage is the ability to resolve conflicts." The three styles are:
1. Avoidance - problem minimizers who make light of any differences rather than resolving them.
2. Validators - in the midst of disagreement they let their partner know they consider their opinions and emotions valid, even if they don't agree with them.
3. Volatile - both partners have little interest in hearing each other's point of view in the heat of an argument - and I do mean heat!
Now, about my relationship. This guy is a great guy and will be a good catch for the right girl. There were a couple things I learned from my first ever relationship after being with only one guy my whole life, that I will not do or tolerate the next time, but overall he was a great guy. There was just one BIG problem that would never work for me. He is an Avoider!
According to the book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, an avoidance relationship can actually work for some couples. It just does not work for me. At all. I NEED to address any conflict or disagreement. I NEED to talk it out. I don't need to come to an agreement and I don't get angry. I have to talk it out so I can understand both sides - I talk, I listen, I analyze and I love compromise.
I am a Validator. I can also do Volatile successfully with the right person. But I can NOT do Avoidance. Imagine me avoiding everything and stuffing all my feelings and frustrations… someday it won't take much for the bomb inside me to ignite and hopefully everyone is out of range when I explode!!!
Happy Relationships to everyone! :)
So… in this world we will have trouble, huh? We are in this world, there is no other world we can live in. And trouble is like problems is like drama is like heartaches is like uncomfortable situations. Therefore, in our life we will experience drama… and so much more.
The test of maturity is not in avoiding drama and problems. It is in how we react and grow during the hard times and circumstances, the drama and problems.
I had a boyfriend. That is so weird to say at age 37! And there really is a good explanation but this post is not about defending or explaining my decision. Although I need to explain a little…
February 20th I signed up on eHarmony. Online dating site, what was I thinking?! I needed a distraction from the awful texts and emails I was receiving. I have no problem with online dating, it does work for some people, but I didn't want to be one of those people, just not my style. So I signed up, I was that desperate for a distraction.
I found a match. Actually they find matches for you, but I mean one of those matches I really connected with. By day 3 we were texting and talking on the phone. It was fun!
And the really good thing was he lived 9 hours away. Long distance relationships are great for getting to know someone before meeting them. We had a lot in common and connected spiritually, mentally and emotionally. After 2 weeks we met. No fireworks but it was good. I enlisted my best friend to be with me and do an interrogation before giving me permission to go out with him ;)
At the end of week 4, we had our first conflict. I knew he did not want any drama, I surely didn't either, but I didn't realize he meant so much more than an emotionally healthy approach to conflicts.
I was accused of being too much drama and then I was dumped. Ouch. I think what was most upsetting is he got to dump me before I could tell him what I thought was really wrong about his accusations and if he couldn't work through this then it would be best if we went our separate ways. Didn't get that chance. I got dumped.
I had a good cry that night and felt a lot better the next day. And then I started analyzing the relationship. I know it its a learning and growing opportunity.
My Uncle Joe had given me a book a few months ago, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. I had just started reading it and learned about the different types of marriage styles for "resolving conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship," "the key to a lasting marriage is the ability to resolve conflicts." The three styles are:
1. Avoidance - problem minimizers who make light of any differences rather than resolving them.
2. Validators - in the midst of disagreement they let their partner know they consider their opinions and emotions valid, even if they don't agree with them.
3. Volatile - both partners have little interest in hearing each other's point of view in the heat of an argument - and I do mean heat!
Now, about my relationship. This guy is a great guy and will be a good catch for the right girl. There were a couple things I learned from my first ever relationship after being with only one guy my whole life, that I will not do or tolerate the next time, but overall he was a great guy. There was just one BIG problem that would never work for me. He is an Avoider!
According to the book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, an avoidance relationship can actually work for some couples. It just does not work for me. At all. I NEED to address any conflict or disagreement. I NEED to talk it out. I don't need to come to an agreement and I don't get angry. I have to talk it out so I can understand both sides - I talk, I listen, I analyze and I love compromise.
I am a Validator. I can also do Volatile successfully with the right person. But I can NOT do Avoidance. Imagine me avoiding everything and stuffing all my feelings and frustrations… someday it won't take much for the bomb inside me to ignite and hopefully everyone is out of range when I explode!!!
Happy Relationships to everyone! :)
Friday, March 25, 2016
Love in Action
It's Good Friday!
The day we reflect on the greatest Love in Action.
Jesus Christ died on the cross.
For us.
For ALL of us.
For every single human being who ever was and ever will be conceived.
"God demonstrates His Love for US in this: while WE were still sinners, CHRIST DIED for US!" Romans 5:8.
I don't know about you, but the thought of loving others like God loves us…I think it means I need to be ready to die for you. For anyone.
Bringing it down a few notches….I've been thinking about love in action the last couple weeks. About all the ways people I know who truly love me have shown they truly love me without having to say "look at me, this is how much I love you!"
A simple text during the day, "Hello my friend…how's your day been?"
Words of encouragement from a friend, "You are doing perfect mom :)"
Bringing my family food when we needed it.
An unexpected offering in the mail that met the needs I was praying for.
Our Pastor helping my son while I am away from home, not for me, but for my son, "…great kid, have enjoyed getting to know him better…it's been a pleasure."
Open doors and a couch or bed to sleep on when I needed to escape.
…even words of correction have shown me how much someone loves me.
They want the best for me.
They won't settle for anything less than what they know I can be or do.
How many people would you be willing to die for?
Is that a crazy question?
I don't think so.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross….Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place!" Philippians 2:5-9
The day we reflect on the greatest Love in Action.
Jesus Christ died on the cross.
For us.
For ALL of us.
For every single human being who ever was and ever will be conceived.
"God demonstrates His Love for US in this: while WE were still sinners, CHRIST DIED for US!" Romans 5:8.
I don't know about you, but the thought of loving others like God loves us…I think it means I need to be ready to die for you. For anyone.
Bringing it down a few notches….I've been thinking about love in action the last couple weeks. About all the ways people I know who truly love me have shown they truly love me without having to say "look at me, this is how much I love you!"
 |
| Isaac at church |
Words of encouragement from a friend, "You are doing perfect mom :)"
Bringing my family food when we needed it.
 |
| Bri & Dom at church with their adopted "grandparents" |
Our Pastor helping my son while I am away from home, not for me, but for my son, "…great kid, have enjoyed getting to know him better…it's been a pleasure."
Open doors and a couch or bed to sleep on when I needed to escape.
…even words of correction have shown me how much someone loves me.
They want the best for me.
They won't settle for anything less than what they know I can be or do.
How many people would you be willing to die for?
Is that a crazy question?
I don't think so.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Who, being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross….Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place!" Philippians 2:5-9
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