Reading is my coping mechanism. When I hid from reality I read. A lot. Fictional books, about life and love and happiness, a fake reality for me.
My awakening, my realization life could never be the same again, November 2013 changed me. All my emotions and dreams were released. Exposed. I couldn't hold them in even when I tried. And I couldn't read like I used to. I couldn't escape from reality.
I love to read, when I have some free time or need help falling asleep :) I still struggle reading fictional books but I want to again someday, I enjoy them. As for now, I read to learn and grow and discover new realizations.
I receive emails from Lindsey Ellison, a recovering codependent who now coaches people leaving unhealthy relationships, more specifically the codependent - narcissistic relationship. "Escaping the narcissistic vortex" is what drew me to her during my awakening year.
Today's email is titled: "You've got this Kari." Moving on after divorce is hard enough. I'm taking it slow and trusting my gut and I know something is off. But what do I do?! "What you have thought you worked on may come back…can lurk if you don't get back into the practice of removing it…Find a practice that works for you - meditate, run 5 miles…" oh snap! I have to go for a run! I've been avoiding it but I know it's time.
Running is my release. Running is my life. I started running daily in 8th grade, probably to lose weight and stay skinny because I was insecure. It was sometimes an escape for me - "running away" from life's problems, but it always, always brings me closer to God. God and I solve whatever problem I'm dealing with when we're running, and yes, I imagine Him running with me.After the awakening I started running again. Boy did I have a lot of problems I wanted to run away from. I needed to "run into my Father's arms." Forever Reign, "Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms, the riches of your love will always be enough…"pended on my husband to meet my emotional needs and there
During those runs I realized I had put my husband before God. God told me to let go. (so thankful for Frozen and the Let it Go song when I needed it!) I realized, my husband was not mine to depend on or try to fix. He belongs to God. And in his place I need to trust God, accept His unconditional love and put my hope in Him, making Him first in my life.
Back to the present, what is lurking under my radar and causing me to stumble again? Something I need to get back into the practice of removing, sometimes daily, by giving it to God. My emotional dependency on someone who is unable to fulfill my needs.
I ran today. Yeah me! During my run I let my thoughts drift, I prayed, I listened and I realized these things to be true:
"Say something when you're coming up behind someone," because some people don't like to be scared, and I need to practice speaking up for myself.
I make a lot of mistakes, and I have learned how to accept them as a learning experience. I will never make that same mistake again. But there is one mistake I continue to make. There is a quote about this: "if they do it often, it isn't a mistake; it's just their behavior." -Steve Maraboli
Yep, I need to change my behavior. The only way I can do that is by letting it go, consciously giving my emotional dependant to God again. and again. and again. As many times as I forgive, I also give you to God.
Husband, I'm letting you go. Again. This is me letting go and moving forward, letting you move forward on your own. This is me saying sorry for holding onto you, it's hurting you. God wants me to let go and wait. I love you and pray for you and trust God, He is in control…bye hon.
"Say something I'm giving up on you…anywhere I would've followed you…and I am feeling so small, it was over my head…and I will stumble and fall, I'm still learning to love…Say something I'm giving up on you, I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you...and I will swallow my pride. you're the one that I love and I'm saying good-bye."
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