looking back

August 17, 2005. I have been a stressed-out, crazy mom this month, which makes me impatient and explosive. Brianna (2) is extremely sensitive, even if I yell at Dom (4) she starts crying. I left the room after I exploded one time and heard Dominick start singing a funny song to her, his "silly face" song and dance, until she started laughing. Then he came to me with a huge grin, "it's ok mom, Brianna is happy again!" As if all that mattered in his life was his little sister being happy :) Thank you Lord for giving Brianna a great big brother!

This explosive behavior comes from years and years, at least since junior high, of dealing with depression. I just started reading TrueFaced, the other book by the author's of Bo's Cafe, and it starts with addressing our dreams and hopes. We all have them, and some of us think some of our dreams come from God. The authors explain, if those dreams seem like they're just not playing out how you imagined, remember that "God's dreams for you are ultimately not really about you...But God's dreams take form only when they are about others, for the benefit of others." I have one of those dreams, if not more, that has not played out fully, yet. And it has everything to do with others, and as much as I believe I only play a small role in it "for" God, my pride has sometimes gotten in the way, and my depression always gets in the way. Depression is a state of mind that not only causes you to feel overwhelmed by everything, even the little things in your life, and to not have enough motivation and energy for anything, but to also always be thinking about "me". I struggle so much with it because I don't like to think about myself. I desire to serve others and think of others first, so it causes a huge battle inside of me. If I don't talk to anyone, it bottles up and finally explodes, usually in anger because I get so angry with myself for letting it control my thoughts.

December 17, 2005. Dominick came up with a great idea so I told him he is a good thinker. He said "I'm not a thinker mom...I just know everything!"

This is like the pride I have dealt with. I think I know everything! I don't need more advice. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a [wo]man, I put childish ways behind me." 1 Corinthians 13:11. What does it take to become a man? Growth and maturity, learning new things, usually through discipline and instruction from our parents. The depression humbled my pride, but it also allows God to teach me new things. When I am at my weakest, I finally listen. I am still growing and maturing, leaning on God to teach me what He knows. "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:5-10.