I haven't written much on this blog lately. Typical for me, it's hard to write or talk when I'm in low places, trying to chase the blues away. This one is different, though. I understand fully now it's part of me, this is how God created me. These cycles are inevitable, but I have hope and find encouragement in knowing I can endure and survive (come safely through) with God's help, His grace and love...instead of getting angry that He would let me suffer something that also effects my family, and then want to give up because I wasn't who I thought I should be, then get angry again that I would let myself think that...on and on... "The bridge between our Faith and Hope [what I was missing before] is God's promises." I remembered God told me a looong time ago to serve Him even through the pain and that He is there, He is great and He loves me. Even. That caught my attention this time. God knew I would go through pain, but I needed to trust and learn more and let go of much. I simply needed to accept God's grace to work in me even through the pain. I can't give up because there are 3 special, precious kids that need me: 
I love you Dominator, noble Brianna and silly Isaac!
I love you Dominator, noble Brianna and silly Isaac!
6 comments:
I need you too :) I love you and am so proud of you and am proud to be your sister. Xoxo. resh.
Hey! saw your fb wall post and thought I'd jump over here and catch up :) it's good to hear you are holding on to GOD. He is SO good.
Don't let go :)
My new blog is:
http://apilgrimsproject.blogspot.com
you might want to update in your sidebar as well, I won't be blogging over at the old blog anymore and will eventually take it down...
I thought your fb profile picture was hilarious!!
Amy in Peru
Kari-I love this photo of your kids. It looks so peaceful. Much love!
There's alot easier ways to do it then to jump off a cliff! Kidding, I know what it's like. There's been so many times I've just wanted to give up, crawl into bed and never get up again for nothing or no one. But we have something in common. We have kids that look up to us for guidance and support, we need to be here to raise them and care for them!
I don't necessarily hear from this that you are "suicidal" by any means, but I hear and understand your desperation. I've been there more times than I can count. In fact, I was there for quite a number of years continuously. Thankfully, I have indeed been delivered. Yet I still occasionally am overcome by sadness and wavering hope. I think it is just a personality trait.
I totally agree with you in the idea about God's strength perfected in our weakness. It's been my life story. It seems the "weaker" I get, the more opportunity I have to serve Him. However, I don't speak of poor self-esteem and dark tendencies. I speak rather of inability and confusion and "emptiness". I think there is a distinct difference, and different implications. One allows God to work, the other can lead to unhealthy lifestyle, relationships, and sometimes even ignorance of God. I've seen both in my life, and I have to guard against going too much toward sadness, loneliness and darkness.
I've never been suicidal, but I've often asked God to take my life away from me when I feel it is "unbearable". Now I am learning to greatly rejoice in my suffering - finally! I truly do find it a great comfort to see difficult times because I can see historically and even immediately how God uses these things to shape and strengthen me. I think people who face these things and grow become the strongest of all, even if they are humble and no one can see it.
Lamentations 3 is ironically a passage of GREAT HOPE. I discovered it in high school and have revisited it quite a number of times. Great is His faithfulness, His mercies new every morning. That is SO POWERFUL!
Others, like Psalm 22, 42. Just today I was reading Jonah. VERY POWERFUL! It includes much of what's necessary to understand. Listen to when Jonah says, "Yes, angry enough to die" in spite of experiencing God's tender lovingkindness toward both Ninevah and himself. I am stricken by this book powerfully. It speaks of all that we should have in our hearts, hearts after God's own.
Unfortunately like Jonah, I think we are blind to the Goodness that we have. Perspective is necessary. I have grown much by serving others relentlessly, without reward. Missions trips, service projects, visitations, etc. When we see the REAL troubles of others, ours become less, and our "trouble" becomes a troubled heart for their well-being, not ours. Service is the prescription. It has saved me a number of times, and I cry out in repentance for my disproportionate complaining and discontented attitudes.
For those who are truly desperate, read this: God, I AM... Considering Suicide. I felt I went "beyond myself" in some ways when I wrote it.
I care for you, my sister. I hope you find a healthy balance of great abounding joy and appreciation for weakness/trials.
"Do you do well to be angry?" Jonah 4:4
tyler would never stand right where bri is! ahahahah! love you guys
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